Sally Breslin: My Life: I JUST COULDN'T SUSPEND MY DISBELIEF FOR THAT LONG

I realize that when it comes to watching fictional TV programs, I should forsake all of my common sense for the entire hour. But a couple of weeks ago, even after suspending my disbelief for as long as possible, it still didn’t work…and with good reason.

I’m talking about the weekly TV drama called 9-1-1.

This season, the entire series centers around what would happen in the unlikely event an active volcano suddenly rose up from the ground in the middle of Los Angeles and proceeded to spew molten lava and huge, flaming rocks all over the city.

My curiosity was genuinely piqued by the previews, so I decided to watch it...and then spent most of my time laughing. I suspected the writers intentionally were hoping for that reaction, which was why they took so many creative liberties with the plot, but it’s listed in the program description as a drama.

And that’s what confused me.

As advertised, the angry, spewing volcano did arise from its depths and unleash a river of flaming, glowing, red molten lava on the city. Los Angeles traffic, per usual, was backed up at the time, turning the freeway into a parking lot as the scorching red river headed straight for it. Soon, the cars and their terrified drivers were completely surround by and trapped in the flow, which quickly rose up to nearly the bottom of their cars’ doors.

I waited for the inevitable explosions and gargantuan flames when the cars’ tires and gas tanks met with the lava – or even met with just the intense heat of it.

But nothing happened.

The terrified drivers just continued to sit in their cars and wait for help to arrive, as the noxious volcanic gases rose up in a cloudy mist and surrounded them – a visual effect that resembled the trick of using big blocks of dry ice back in the good old days.

Firefighters soon appeared, their faces completely bare and unprotected. Obviously, these guys were the Incredible Hulks of firefighters, not the least bit bothered by the toxic fumes or air that was so hot, just breathing it would turn their lungs into Silly Putty.

An announcement was made, through a bullhorn, for the people in their cars to carefully climb out of their windows and sit on the roofs, then wait for more help to arrive. Meanwhile, the lava rose higher and continued to spread toward (gasp!) a gas station.

One of the firefighters found a small dog that looked upset and confused. It also was wearing a service-dog vest, so he suspected the dog was searching for its owner. He picked it up and noticed that some of the white fur on its paws looked a bit singed.

“He walked through lava!” the firefighter deduced, while another wrapped some gauze around the pup’s paws. Within seconds, the dog seemed good to go. The firefighter then decided he and the dog immediately had to find its owner because the person surely was in urgent need of saving.

The search was accomplished by the firefighter, carrying the dog in his arms, walking across the tops of the cars that still were sitting in lava, and telling the dog to lead him to his owner’s car. Thanks to the dog sniffing through the toxic fumes and barking, the car, even with its roof covered in volcanic ash, was located. The firefighter immediately cut open the roof and flung the dog inside, then also climbed in, just in the nick of time to save the man, who was suffering a seizure in the front seat.

Meanwhile, an emergency signal from an Apple watch (or some similar device) sent another two rescuers rushing to an apartment building where they found gigantic holes in the wall and roof, and a woman lying on her back on the floor. Covering the woman’s torso was a volcanic rock about the size of a laundry hamper, glowing bright red and yellow.

When the rescuers first set eyes on her, their jaws dropped…and so did the tools they were carrying, especially when the woman cried out to them for help. They didn’t know what to do in such an unfamiliar situation, so the woman, who turned out to be a doctor, gave them step-by-step instructions on how to feel for the pulse in her leg.

Miraculously, she still had one.

At that point, I decided I’d had enough. I like to think I possess a great imagination, but no amount of disregarding my common sense was going to convince me that any part of the story was even slightly believable. I mean, just from what I’d learned about volcanoes in fourth-grade science class was enough to prove to me just how beyond fictional the TV program was. The writers apparently were treating the river of lava as if it were a river of water after a flash flood…because otherwise, the entire cast of characters would have been dead in minutes and there would have been nothing left of the series to show for the next few weeks.

So I put it out of mind…that is, until two days ago when my car needed a repair and a strange coincidence happened that made the 9-1-1 TV show instantly become my focal point again.

I was sitting in the waiting area of my mechanic’s shop when a woman, another customer, walked in and took a seat facing me. Within seconds, we were chatting.

She told me she had just rushed over there straight from her job as a high-school teacher. I asked her what subject she taught and she said earth science.

Hmm…Earth science?

“Then you must be knowledgeable about volcanoes?” I asked her.

She laughed. “Funny you should say that. I’m currently teaching my class about how tectonic plates trigger volcanic eruptions.”

I had no clue what tectonic plates were, but this, I thought, was my perfect opportunity to get a professional opinion about the 9-1-1 TV program’s depiction of volcanoes.

I asked if she had ever watched the program and she said no, so I filled her in on all of the details – the volcano, the lava flow, the woman with the rock on her stomach, and the dog that had walked through molten lava. With each sentence, her eyes grew wider.

“You’re serious?” she finally asked.

I nodded.

“First of all,” she said, “Los Angeles would be one of the least likely places for a volcano to appear, even with all of its fault lines (the reasons for which she explained in non-layman’s terms and totally lost me).”

“Secondly, lava ranges in temperature from about 1,400 to 2,200 degrees. The tires on the cars would burst into flames and explode right away, even before the lava reached them, due to the radiant heat, because rubber can automatically ignite at about 750 degrees. The gas tanks on the cars also would quickly heat up to the flashpoint of gasoline and become exploding fireballs within moments. There would be no time at all to wait for rescuers to arrive.”

“Not only that,” she continued, barely taking a breath, “the insides of the cars would heat up to hundreds of degrees. And if that didn’t roast the occupants to death, then breathing in all of the sulfur dioxide gas would do them in. And standing on the roofs would be the equivalent of standing on a giant barbecue grill…a second before their skin blistered off.”

Before I could comment, she added, “The dog would have NO paws left if it stepped into the lava, which would melt off everything right down to the bone, and the woman in the apartment would have been killed instantly just from the force of the rock’s impact. The fact it was still glowing, made matters even more lethal…if that’s possible!”

She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, “You know, I think maybe I should make a copy of that program and show it to my students as a test. I’ll have them point out all of the things that are wrong with it, once we have finished the chapter about volcanoes. I think they would find it a lot more interesting and entertaining than just a standard exam.”

So I guess 9-1-1 perhaps has done some good in reference to this particular subject, even though its accuracy might contain just a few flaws (like maybe over a hundred…and counting).

But it did give me a good laugh, and it also provided an earth-science teacher with a new interactive teaching tool.

So I just might tune in again next week, stop being such a critical old fuddy-duddy, and relax and enjoy it for what it’s worth.

Maybe…

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Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.

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