For
the past few years, I have not made any New Year’s resolutions because I
figured they were just a waste of my time. I mean, usually by January 3rd, I’ve
already broken all of them. But this year, I have renewed determination and
optimism. I not only am going to make a list of resolutions, I am going to do
everything in my power to succeed in keeping them…at least until January 4th.So
far, my list is as follows:
·
I
will stop eating my dessert before my meals.
I
got into the habit of eating my dessert before dinner way back when I was a kid
because I was afraid I’d be too full after my meal. At the time, I had to be
sneaky about it because if my mom caught me, she’d scold me. After I got
married, I thought I’d be free to indulge, but my husband also scolded me when
he’d see me inhaling a box of chocolates only 20 minutes before dinner. But now
that I’m alone, I can eat a whole cake before dinner and the only ones who will
notice are my dogs (only because they want me to share it with them). I really
need to make this resolution, however, before my stomach flab gets caught in my
jeans zipper again.
·
I
will read my newspapers when I get them.
I
subscribe to two daily newspapers. The problem is, I’m usually too busy to read
them, so I stack them in the corner until I can get to them. Last count, the
stack was about five feet high. It used to drive my husband crazy, because I’d
sit down and read a bunch of papers all at once, and then say, “Oh, no! John,
our former neighbor, passed away! His obituary is in here!”
“That’s
terrible!” my husband would respond. “When is the funeral?”
“Four
months ago.”
·
I
will stop spoiling the birds, squirrels and my dogs.
Last
week, I spent $142 on groceries. Out of that, $40 actually was for food for
myself. The rest was for the animals. I have to admit that when it comes to
feeding the wild birds and squirrels, I may go just a teensy bit overboard. For
example, I bought them sunflower hearts, peanut-butter cookies, mixed nuts,
cheese popcorn, blueberry bagels, raisin bread, graham crackers and
snickerdoodles. And I came very close
to buying them a Christmas fruitcake. You’d think I was trying to turn my bird
feeder into a five-star restaurant. And for the dogs, I bought enough chews,
cookies, pig ears, sticks and rawhide bones to feed an entire kennel. If I
switched to a big bag of cheap birdseed and a five-pound sack of economy dog
biscuits, I probably could save enough money to celebrate next New Year’s Day
in Tahiti.
·
I
will try to learn to pump my own gas.
My
brain is still living in the era when people pulled into a gas station and the
attendant rushed out, pumped gas for them, washed the windshield and even gave
them a free gift, like a drinking glass or a coffee mug. So I have stubbornly
refused to pump my own gas. It just doesn’t make sense to me that back when gas
was only 35 cents a gallon, gas-station attendants were doing everything but
performing show tunes for patrons, and now that gas is way over $3 per gallon,
we’re expected to get out of our cars and stand there and get frostbite while
we pump our own gas. This is why I drive 34 miles out of my way every week to
get gas at a full-serve station. My friends, however, laugh at me and shake
their heads whenever I mention it. So maybe, just maybe, seeing there is a
self-service station only about 6 miles from my house, I just might give in and
pump my own gas. But if I do, I expect a reward for my efforts (like a free
glass or a coffee mug).
·
I
will try to get to bed before sunrise.
I
live a backwards life. I go to bed at 8 in the morning and get up at 3 in the
afternoon. I’ve always been a night owl, but now I have advanced to an
all-night owl. I eat dinner at midnight. I eat breakfast at 4 in the afternoon.
And when people invite me to “do lunch,” I think of it as 8 pm. I have tried in
the past to switch back to what other people consider “normal” hours, but all I
did was learn that I’m not normal. Still, I am making a resolution to try
again. So if you see me with bags the size of suitcases underneath my eyes,
you’ll know why.
·
I
will stop wasting money on anti-aging products.
The
time has come for me to realize that the only thing that will take years off my
life and make me look young again is if someone invents a time machine that
actually works. I have so many anti-aging products stuffed into my bathroom
cabinets, the wood on the doors actually looks new again. My face, however,
still is sporting more wrinkles than an unmade bed. And my neck is so saggy,
it’s a wonder I wasn’t shot during turkey-hunting season. But I resolve to
learn to accept the fact that wrinkles and sagging are a natural part of aging
– unless, that is, I win Powerball and can afford cosmetic surgery.
·
I
will be braver about driving at night.
It
seems that the older I get, the less I like to drive after dark. And seeing
that I don’t get out of bed until late afternoon, it’s a problem during the
winter months. My biggest fear is
driving on the road to my house. It has more curves than Marilyn Monroe’s body
and has no breakdown lane or anywhere to pull over if my car breaks down. And
more times than I can count, deer have darted across the road right in front of
me. As a result, the minute it gets dark out, I grip the steering wheel so
tightly, my hands go numb. And I slow down to about 30 mph. This usually
results in the car behind me getting so close (probably in an attempt to nudge
me along) it looks as if the driver is sitting in my back seat.
·
And
last of all, I will stop spending hours playing the computer game, “Letter
Rip.”
I
figure if I quit playing the game, I’ll finally have time to read my stack of
300 newspapers – and find out that the leather coat I’ve been drooling over for
ages but couldn’t afford, finally went on sale for half-price…back in
September.