Tuesday, April 15, 2025

THE POLICE OFFICERS SHOULD HAVE BEEN ARRESTED - FOR MURDERING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!

 

The other night I was watching one of those TV shows where police officers wearing body cameras allow the viewers to observe them in real-time action during their actual shifts.

I couldn’t stop myself from cringing when one of the officers, following his unsuccessful pursuit of a suspected burglar, said, “I should have went in the other direction after I seen him heading down the back alley.”

And even worse, another officer later said, “You have to be really careful with them types, you know what I’m sayin’? I could have caught him, you know what I’m sayin’? But I didn’t want to put any innocent bystanders in danger. You know what I’m sayin’?”

By then, I was ready to scream at the TV, “Yes! I KNOW what you’re saying! You just said it!”

For many years now, I have been jotting down humorous typos, misspellings, goofs, bad sentence-structure (syntax), newspaper headlines and more, that have made (and still make) me laugh. The TV program the other night reminded me that I haven’t shared any of these gems on here in quite a while, so I thought I’d do that now. I can’t resist commenting on some (okay, most) of them, so I’ll add my thoughts in parentheses.

 

KIDS WRITING ESSAYS

“Husbands legally can have only one wife. This is called monotony” (Now that I think about it, maybe this kid didn’t actually make a mistake).

“Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark.”

“One of the most popular scenes in Romeo and Juliet is the baloney scene.”

“My father was a proud member of the American Lesion” (Yuck! What kind of lesions are American ones? Guess that rules out German measles?).

“After we found the stray dog, my dad called the Society for the Prevention of Animals.”

“If your kitten refuses to drink cold milk, put it into the microwave for a few seconds” (That's no way to discipline the poor kitten! The owner must be a member of that aforementioned Society for the Prevention of Animals).

 

NEWSPAPER & TV NEWS HEADLINES AND STORIES

 

Drunken Man Threatens Dog With a Gun (I wonder what kind of gun the dog was packing?).

Pond Forms After Beavers Damn the Stream (nothing worse than large, cursing rodents).

Woman Jogger Attacked By Main Street (The street must have been in a really bad mood that day).

RECIPE: This sauce will feed six people served over pasta (Six people served over pasta? For whom…cannibals?).

The batter made a last-second decision to bundt (Are we talking about a baseball batter or cake batter?)

In an article about a grandmother who walks three miles every Sunday to visit her six-year-old grandchild: Grandmother always brings the six-year-old cake when visiting (That has to be some mighty stale cake!).

In a report about a two-car collision: The officer reported that the driver of the SUV was crying and sobbing uncontrollably when he approached. He said she seemed very depressed (wonder what gave him that idea?).

Prince Charles Formerly Crowned King at his Coronation (Um…I’m still trying to figure out how this would be possible!).

The young woman, who was at the beach with a group of friends, had to be rescued when she fell off the peer (That’s what she gets for climbing on her friends).

Newspaper advertisement for a new restaurant: Every Tuesday, Seniors are Half Off (which half?).

In a story about a new diet: Even people with week willpower can succeed with this diet (yep, most people’s willpower lasts only about a week).

 

And then there were two big typos I saw in the Manchester Union Leader newspaper many years ago, back when the society-page editor used to describe weddings in detail, including the wedding party’s attire. I’ll never forget these!

One description had an embarrassing typo no one caught, so it went to print exactly like this: “When the couple left on their honeymoon to Montreal, the bride was wearing a white knit shit.” I don’t know if the actual word was meant to be a suit, shift or shirt, but I laughed about it for ages. The poor bride!

And this other one: “The bridesmaids were attired in lilac chiffon gowns trimmed in white Alencon lace, and they carried matching bouquets that featured a fresh orchard.”  Those must have been some real hernia-inducing bouquets!

Enough of my nonsense for now! I’ll be back again next week!

 

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 Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.