Tuesday, April 9, 2024

MY VERSION OF "LOST IN TRANSLATION"

 

One of my friends called me the other day to tell me she’d just bought a new swimsuit for her upcoming trip to Florida and was upset with her husband because when she'd modeled it for him, his comment had been, “Not bad!”

All I can say is the poor man sure has a lot to learn about women. He probably thought he was giving his wife a compliment, but let’s face it, we women hardly ever hear things the way men want us to hear them.

As my friend explained to me, “When he said ‘not bad,’ I took it to mean ‘not good, either!’ So now I feel like burning that swimsuit.”

Personally, I would have taken his comment the same way. 

Her phone call made me recall the many times my husband also had made statements I’d interpreted to mean something entirely different.

To illustrate my point, consider the following examples:


HE’D SAY:  “Is this a new recipe for pot roast?  It tastes different tonight.”

I’D HEAR:  “Why the heck did you have to mess around with the pot roast?  I liked it just the way it was!”


HE’D SAY:  “Looks like you have a little zit there, popping out on your forehead.”

I’D HEAR:  “That ‘thing’ erupting on your forehead looks like a third eyeball!  If I were you, I’d cut my hair into bangs to hide it!”


HE’D SAY:  “Thank you for the shirt, sweetheart.  It’s too nice to wear to work, though, so I’m going to save it only for special occasions.”

I’D HEAR:  “That’s the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen.  And if I have my way, the special occasion will be my funeral!” 


HE’D SAY:  “Is that new makeup you’re wearing?”

I’D HEAR:  “You have so much paint on your face, it’s a wonder people on the street aren’t stopping to ask you if the circus is in town.”


HE’D SAY:  “Have you had the oil in your car checked lately?”

I’D HEAR:  “If I didn’t remind you to get your oil checked, you would wait until it looked like black molasses and the engine burst into flames before you realized something was wrong…because you know absolutely nothing about cars.”


HE’D SAY:  “There’s nothing good on TV tonight.”

I’D HEAR:  “There are no shows that contain half-naked women, bloodshed, zombies, superheroes or car chases, and I would rather have all of my chest hairs plucked out with tweezers than be forced to watch one of those corny Hallmark movies you like so much.”


HE’D SAY:  “I don’t know if I’ll be able to go with you to Linda’s party this Friday night because I’ll probably have to work overtime.”

I’D HEAR:  “I will volunteer to do every job at work that night, even if it means scrubbing urinals, just to get out of going to another one of your friends’ boring parties.” 


HE’D SAY:  “Well, I had my heart set on us renting a cabin by a lake in the mountains for our vacation this year, because I’ve had a lot of stress at work and just want to relax (insert a heavy sigh here). But if you really just want to take day trips instead and visit the doll museum, the flower show and the craft fair, then I guess that’s what we’ll do.” 

I’D HEAR:  “To heck with the cabin in the mountains! I REALLY want to go to the doll museum, the flower show and the craft fair!”


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Sally Breslin is a native New Englander and an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net


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