Every year, I make a bunch of New Year’s resolutions I never keep. In fact, by February, I’ve usually forgotten what they were, or I end up asking myself, “Who were you kidding when you made that one?”
In the past, my resolutions usually involved dieting and exercising, and by the 4th of January, I’d be buying one-pound bags of M&Ms and sucking them down as if I were a human Hoover. But now that I’ve finally learned how to control my diet and I actually enjoy walking three miles every day, I don’t have to make those resolutions any more.
And to be honest, I’m feeling kind of lost.
So I’m wondering what I should resolve to do next. Maybe not to be so sensitive? I have a bad habit of taking everything to heart and then dwelling on it until I drive myself crazy. For example, when one of my books gets a less than favorable review, I dwell on it. Then I dwell on it some more until I think I should hang up my pen and pursue another career, like dog-walking.
In the past, I also frequently resolved to save more money and not make frivolous purchases. I can’t make that resolution now because there’s no money to save, and unless buying eggs and orange juice is considered a frivolous purchase, I guess I can’t resolve to stop those, either. Heck, it’s been so long since I’ve been able to even afford a necessity, like new bra, two coffee filters and a rubber band probably would offer me more support than the one I'm currently wearing.
And I’ve often resolved not to be such a germophobe. But in the past three years, being a germophobe has turned out to be not only acceptable, but also beneficial. I mean, during every flu season, I used to wish I could wear a mask to protect myself from any nasty germs…without looking like some weird-o. I also used to go through hand sanitizer by the gallon – way back when there was only one brand. Now, I freely can do those things and look perfectly normal, so there no longer is any need for me to make a resolution to quit. I’m called “careful” and “conscientious” nowadays, and people no longer ask, “Who’s that nutty woman who’s dousing herself with Lysol?”
I have to confess, however, that even while I'm wearing a mask, I still can’t stop myself from holding my breath whenever I walk by someone who’s coughing. Old habits die hard.
Maybe I should make a resolution to stop watching the ID Channel (Investigation Discovery) on TV, which shows only documentaries dealing with true crime. Most of them are so gruesome, they keep me awake all night, fearing there might be a machete-wielding intruder lurking about who will dice me into something that resembles a bowl of salsa if I dare close my eyes.
So if I switch to the Disney Channel, maybe I won’t have to make a resolution to get more sleep.
Although, that beastly guy with all of those sharp teeth in “Beauty and the Beast,” is still pretty scary...
Happy New Year to everyone!
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Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: firstname.lastname@example.org