Wednesday, July 29, 2026

IF YOU LIKE STORIES ABOUT BAD DATES, I CAN WRITE VOLUMES...

 

 Whenever I hear or read people’s horror stories about the bad dates they’ve had (a.k.a. “dates from hell”), I think, “Ha! I’ve had so many, I could write an entire series about them!”

Last month marked two years since Sandi, one of my best friends throughout high school and beyond, passed away, so my thoughts recently have been about her…and how, in 1969, she was instrumental in helping me add yet another chapter to my dates-from-hell archives.

Which I still chuckle about even after all these years.

Back then, Sandi was dating a guy named Steve who was in the navy and was about to be deployed overseas for several months. On his last night at home, before he had to head to Norfolk, Virginia, from where his ship would be sailing, he and Sandi had a disagreement and parted on not-so-great terms. This, of course, really disturbed her.

I didn’t know just how deeply it actually did disturb her, however, until she called me a few days later and said, “I just bought our tickets. You and I are flying down to Norfolk for the day on Saturday so I can see Steve before he leaves. I want to be there waving at him as his ship leaves the port, so he’ll know how much I care about him. And I want you to come with me because I’m too scared to go alone.”

So early that Saturday morning, there I was, sitting on a rickety old prop-plane with Sandi as we flew from Manchester to Boston to catch a connecting flight (a jet, thank goodness) to Norfolk. According to our itinerary, we were going to land in Norfolk at 8:45 AM and head back home at 5:00. It was going to be a long, tiring day.

But hey, what are friends for, right?

The plane shook so much during the short flight to Boston, when we finally got off at Logan Airport, my legs were so wobbly, I was walking as if I had just chugged the entire drink-cart. Let’s just say I wasn’t looking forward to the return trip later that afternoon.

We landed in Norfolk right on schedule. But by the time we figured out where we were, where the port was and how to get there, we were informed Steve’s ship already had sailed. Sandi, on the verge of tears, said she wasn’t about to stay in Norfolk all day without Steve because there was no point in it, so we headed back to the airport and asked the agent when the next flight back to Boston would be leaving.

“Nine o’clock tomorrow morning,” she answered sweetly.

Sandi and I glanced at each other, then back at her.

“But we already have tickets for the 5:00 PM flight to Boston today,” Sandi pointed out, showing her ticket to her. “That’s still okay, right?”

The woman shook her head. “I’m so sorry, but that flight’s been canceled due to what I believe is a mechanical issue. As I said, tomorrow morning is the soonest.”

Panic immediately struck me. I had only about $5 in my purse and I had no idea how much Sandi had, but I doubted it was enough for us to get a hotel room for the night.

And at that moment, I really, really resented Steve.

As it turned out, Sandi had only $20 with her, along with a maxed-out credit card, thanks to previously charging our plane tickets. The agent at the counter overheard us discussing our lack of funds and how upset and uncomfortable we were about being stuck overnight in a strange place. She interrupted our conversation and said she knew of a nearby motel where the rooms were only $19.95 per night. She added that the place was nothing fancy, but had hot water, clean beds and a TV, and would fit into our budget. She even offered to call ahead and reserve a room for us, if we’d like.

We decided it would be better than hanging around in the airport for countless hours, so we agreed. She asked for our names, then called the motel and reserved our room. She also gave us her business card and said to call her if we had any problems. We didn’t have enough money for a cab, so we hopped on a local bus to the motel.

It wasn’t until we were settled in our room that Sandi and I realized just how hungry we were. We pooled our remaining money, which was only a couple of dollars, then went out walking in search of a grocery store or a convenience store. We bought a loaf of bread for 35 cents, a jar of peanut butter for 45 cents, and a box of Pop Tarts for 49 cents. The motel had free coffee and tea in the lobby, so we we figured we'd drink tea.

Later, as I sat eating a peanut-butter sandwich with my very depressed friend in some cheap motel in Norfolk, Virginia at 6 o’clock on a Saturday night, I couldn’t help but think about the thousands of other things I would rather be doing at that moment...like eating steak, mashed potatoes and a big slab of chocolate cake.

Just as I was about to remove my makeup and get comfortable for the night, there was a knock at our door. Sandi and I just stared wide-eyed at each other.

I got up and looked through the peephole and saw two men standing outside. “Yes? Can I help you?” I asked them through the closed door.

“Are you Sally and Sandi?” one of them asked.

Sandi and I were really puzzled. But suddenly Sandi’s eyebrows rose. “They must be friends of Steve!” 

Before I could even open my mouth to tell her she wasn’t making any sense, that it would be impossible for Steve to know where we were (heck, even WE didn’t know where we were), especially since he was out at sea somewhere, Sandi flung open the door.

“Hi!” one of the men, a tall blonde, said cheerfully. “We’re your dates for tonight!  Dale, a friend of ours who works at the airport, sent us. She felt sorry for the two of you, being stuck here alone in a strange place all night, and thought you might like to see a little of Norfolk.”

Sandi slammed the door in their faces.

“Sandi!” I gasped. “Why did you do that?”

“Who does that woman at the airport think she is?” she huffed. “What does she do, run a dating service on the side?  She must really think we’re hard up!  Besides that, I came here to see Steve, not to date some stranger!”

“Well, at least we can be civil to them,” I said. “They’re only trying to be nice.”

But Sandi wasn’t listening to me because by then, she had grabbed the phone and was dialing the number on the card Dale had given to us. I thought for sure she was going to give the woman a piece of her mind, but instead she interrogated her about the two men – who they were, what they did for a living, and basically if they were perverts. Dale assured her they were gentlemen with good careers, and if nothing else, they would treat us to a nice meal.

I think the word “meal” was what convinced Sandi not to be quite so hasty about sending the two guys away. Just the thought of having to eat another peanut-butter sandwich made from generic peanut butter when we could be enjoying something that didn’t stick to our tonsils, probably would have been enough to convince us to accept dates with Dracula and the Werewolf right about then.

Sandi hung up the phone as I dashed back to open the door. Fortunately, the two guys still were standing there. “Sorry about that,” I said, smiling sheepishly. “It’s just that you caught us totally off guard. Why don’t you give us a few minutes to freshen up and we’ll meet you out in the lobby, okay?”

If I do say so myself, Sandi and I looked pretty stunning when we finally were ready. I, my hair long and shaggy and teased high on top, with bangs down to my nose, was wearing my navy-blue bell-bottomed pantsuit, which actually was styled to look more like a dress with pants, while Sandi was resplendent in her knit mini-skirt and vest with a white ruffled blouse.

The guys, we learned, were Henry and Jim. They were old… like in their thirties old. And they were dressed old, too. Jim, a photographer, had long black hair and a goatee, and was wearing a tweed jacket with (are you ready for this?) a white silk ascot around his neck. He also smoked a pipe. Henry, the blonde, was a high-school teacher, clad in a turtleneck sweater and a tweed jacket. Sandi and I, barely 20, felt as if we were going out with our fathers.

They seemed nice enough, though, so I figured I would try to make the best of the evening, but Sandi had other ideas. As we rode toward what we thought was going to be a restaurant, Sandi, in the back seat with Jim, sat facing the door, her arms folded and her eyes staring out of the window. She didn’t say a word. Poor Jim tried everything short of ventriloquism to get her to talk, but had he been sitting in the back of a hearse with its occupant, he would have received a warmer response.

After what seemed like 20 years, we finally arrived at our destination…a coffee house. No food, just coffee.

“They have great poetry readings and folk singers here,” Henry said enthusiastically as he held open the door for us.

I actually heard Sandi groan.

We sat on high stools at a tiny table where there soon were mugs of steaming black espresso in front of each of us. The problem was, I didn’t like coffee unless it had about a half-cup of sugar and a pint of cream in it. I took a sip of the espresso to be polite, and felt the enamel being stripped from my teeth. Meanwhile, my stomach was rumbling so loudly as it begged me for some decent food, I was pretty sure it would drown out the poetry reading.

Henry was sociable, and soon we were engaged in a pretty interesting conversation. Despite our age difference, I was surprised to discover we really did have a lot in common, probably because his job as a high-school teacher kept him up to date on what was cool with the younger generation. I honestly was beginning to enjoy myself, despite the hunger pains.

Meanwhile, Jim still was struggling (unsuccessfully) to get Sandi to talk to him.

A folksinger came out onto a small platform and began to sing. After only about ten notes into his song, Sandi suddenly stood up and announced to Jim, “I want to go back to the motel, NOW!”

Many of the other patrons chuckled, totally misinterpreting her statement as having a more...seductive...meaning.

Jim just stared at her for a moment, then calmly said, “Well, at least now I know she can talk.”

The four of us rode back to the motel in complete silence. Even Henry and I were afraid to speak at that point. The car barely had pulled into the motel parking lot when Sandi jumped out and bolted for the door. I muttered an embarrassed apology and thanked the guys, then followed her inside.

A few seconds later, Henry came to our room and told me how much he’d enjoyed our too-short date and how, if I were from the Norfolk area, he definitely would ask me out again…alone. For some unknown reason, Sandi snapped a photo of us. Maybe she wanted it as evidence in case I mysteriously vanished during the night. 

“How could we EVER have been dumb enough to go out with those two losers?” Sandi complained after Henry left. “And gee, what big spenders!  Coffee!  Big deal!  The worst part is that now I feel as if I’ve betrayed Steve!”

“Somehow I don’t think that ignoring a guy all night and treating him like dirt qualifies as a betrayal,” I said.

The next morning, Sandi and I eagerly headed to the airport to board our plane back to New Hampshire. To my relief, Dale wasn’t working. I figured that if Henry and Jim had given her a full report about their date with us, she’d probably have assigned us seats in the baggage compartment.

Sorry to say, Sandi and Steve’s relationship turned out to be doomed to failure.

But not even a year later, Sandi once again convinced me to accompany her on a visit to see her new boyfriend…in Washington, DC.

And that trip was even worse.

On the bright side, at least as long as Sandi kept finding boyfriends in other states, I was able to see the country free of charge.

Just don’t ever talk to me about peanut butter...


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 Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.




Tuesday, July 21, 2026

DO THESE THINGS AGGRAVATE YOU IN SUPERMARKETS?

 

As I was waiting in the checkout line at the supermarket the other day, I found myself mentally compiling a list of all the things about supermarkets that often irritate me. By the time it was my turn to cash out, my list of pet peeves was longer than the roll of toilet paper in my shopping cart.

I have titled my list “It’s Inevitable.”

IT’S INEVITABLE…

·         That the shopping cart you select will secretly have been welded to the other carts in its row and will either squeak, wobble, need a front-end alignment, or maneuver with the ease of a bulldozer with its brakes on.

·         That when you enter the supermarket, there will be no customers whatsoever in the checkout lanes, but the moment you’re ready to cash out, people with carriages loaded to the ceiling suddenly will emerge from behind the displays and, with the speed of Kentucky Derby competitors, make beelines for the registers 

·         That when you buy a basket of strawberries or blueberries, the fruit on the top will look as if it leapt right off the pages of an award-winning cookbook, while the stuff on the bottom will either be moldy, shriveled, or resemble something you scraped off the bottom of your shoe at a dog park.

·         That when you're in a hurry because you suddenly remember you were supposed to pick up your mother after her hairdresser's appointment 20 minutes ago, the customer in front of you will say to the cashier, "The sale sign said those cans of corn were three for $2.00 but you  just charged me 79 cents each for them!" This will force the bagger to frantically run up and down every aisle in search of the sale display...and you will not see him again until he is old enough to collect Social Security.

·         That products geared toward the elderly, such as arthritis pain-relievers, will be on the topmost shelves and require an Olympic pole-vaulter to reach them.

·         That when you’re the third person in line at the deli counter, the first person will order a pound of cold cuts and nothing more, but the second, when asked by the clerk, “Will there be anything else?” will keep answering yes until he has enough coleslaw, potato salad, baked beans and Swiss cheese to supply an Osmond Family reunion.

 ·         That at least once during your shopping excursion, a customer will completely block the aisle with her cart while she stands there and reads the caloric content of all 300 varieties of Campbell’s soup.

·         That the package of meat that looked so bright red under the store’s lights will look gray when you see it under your own lights at home and will have, concealed beneath the top layer, at least one slab of fat-encrusted meat that looks as if it came from a cow old enough to have belonged to Teddy Roosevelt.

·         That there always will be at least one child sitting in a cart in the checkout line and screaming as if he were being attacked by a pack of wolves because he wants a bag of M&Ms, while his mother silently envisions sticking pins into a voodoo doll of the person responsible for displaying so many tempting treats within children's reach.

·         That the ladies at those “free sample” tables will offer you products you’d otherwise never even have considered buying, such as organic seaweed chips and pistachio-encrusted Limburger cheese balls.

·         That the store will always smell of bread baking, even when there is no one working in the bakery department.

·         That when a severe craving for a specific food drives you to make a special trip to the store in the dark of night or during a blizzard, the item you’re drooling for either will be out of stock, permanently discontinued, or have an expiration date of 2010.

·         That the cashier will select the most embarrassing item from your cart and hold it up and shout to the manager, “Hey, Mr. Smith, isn’t ‘Bombs Away’ extra-strength laxative on special this week?” while everyone in line smirks knowingly at you.

·         That when an item won’t scan, the cashier will contort into no fewer than a dozen Nadia Comaneci/Simone Biles gymnastic positions in an attempt to make it do so, just to avoid ringing it up manually.

·         That someone with a cartload of items will push their way into the express line and argue, “I have 19 identical cans of tuna and five identical jars of mayonnaise. That’s only two items!”

·         That once you pay, tuck the receipt into your billfold, zip your purse and sling it over your shoulder, the employee at the exit door will spot the one un-bagged item in your cart and insist upon seeing your receipt to prove you paid for it (I usually get stopped when I buy bottled water in the stores that don't bother to put a circle sticker on it to show I paid. All I can say is if I were indeed a shoplifter, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to risk spending time in jail for something as boring as water!).

·         And finally…that the $150 worth of food items (like curried lima-beans au-gratin) you bought when you were so hungry, your stomach thought your throat had been cut, will make you feel nauseated when you look at them the next day.

#   #   #

 

 Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.




Monday, July 13, 2026

I THINK I'VE FIGURED OUT WHY SO MANY OF THOSE PSYCHIC HOTLINES SUDDENLY DISAPPEARED

 

A few weeks ago, the daughter of a good friend of mine visited an area psychic and said she was very impressed with the reading she received.

It made me think back to the late 1990s and early 2000s when it seemed as if every other TV commercial was advertising some psychic hotline or another for people to call and learn (for a mere $3.99 per minute) what the future held for them.

Then suddenly, at the height of their popularity, the majority of the hotlines seemed to vanish.

Back then, I remember being really curious about psychics but I was too cheap to spend any money for a reading. So just for the heck of it, one night I Googled “free psychic readings.” Up popped more than 25,000 pages (25,801, to be exact) of supposedly “authentic” psychics, with 12 listed on each page.

All I can say is if there really were that many psychic people running around in the world during that era, nobody’s private thoughts were safe.

A large number of the psychics were offering free introductory online readings to lure people into hopefully getting hooked and craving more, which they then would have to pay for, of course. Nevertheless, my curiosity lured me into exploring a few of them.

The first psychic I checked out was called Zelda. Her web page said: “Zelda knows all and sees all, therefore, you do not even have to type your question below, though she prefers it if you do. Please ask questions that can be answered with yes or no.”

The next line puzzled me: “Your free advice is randomly chosen…according to reputable scientists.”

I envisioned a bunch of Einstein-looking guys sitting around a table and pulling random answers out of a hat to help out Zelda.

Shrugging, I typed a question: “Will I be successful and make a lot of money this year?”

Zelda responded with, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

I then asked, “Will I also enjoy good health?”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” came the answer once again.

So just to test her, I asked her a trick question: “Will a tidal wave hit my house and wash it out to sea?” (I live on top of a big hill nowhere near the ocean).

“You can bet your last dollar on it!” Zelda answered.

Zelda, I decided, was nothing more than an electronic version of the Magic-8 Ball.

Just as I was about to exit her site and try another one, something else popped up on the screen. “Zelda has another prediction for you,” it said. “You will feel and look much younger once you have taken HGH, the human growth hormone, for several months. Click here to order.”

Apparently Zelda wasn’t making good enough money as a psychic.

I visited another website that offered a free tarot-card reading. The site spread out some cards face down on the screen and instructed me to select three: one for my past, one for the present, and one for my future.

I chose three cards, as instructed, and they flipped over. One of them, a creepy-looking devil with gigantic horns, made me suspect my reading might not end up being entirely rosy.

The reading for my past began with, “You have proven by your past actions that you are the type of person who is extremely restless and doesn’t like to stay in one place or with one person for very long.”

I laughed. At the time, my husband and I had been living at the same address for nearly 30 years.

The reading for the present described me as an ill-tempered, physically strong person who wouldn’t think twice about challenging someone to a fistfight. It made me sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator.

Again, I, one of the world’s biggest wimps, had to laugh.

My future, however, turned out to be no laughing matter.

“You will have an unexpected turn of bad luck,” it said. “You are doomed to suffer a period of misfortune and failure. Outside influences will make things even worse and more difficult for you.”

“I’ll bet it was that creepy devil card,” I muttered. “Heck, if my future’s going to be that bleak, maybe I should just give up right now and go jump off a bridge or something.”

At that moment, Zelda popped up again. “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Still unclear about my future, I found another tarot-card reader. This one asked me to select six cards. When I saw another devil card amongst the six I'd chosen, I figured my fate was sealed…my future was going to be nothing short of a disaster.

But to my surprise, the reading was all positive: “This will be a year of great happiness and success,” it said. “Whatever you set your mind to accomplish, you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams. Good things come to good people, and your time has arrived! Enjoy it!”

I actually was beginning to feel optimistic until the psychic added, “I also see a baby in your future! In fact, you may already be pregnant!”

I laughed so hard, I suffered a hot flash.

Now that I think about it, I just might be able to figure out why all of those “authentic” psychics suddenly disappeared...if I were them, I think I might have gone into hiding, too.

#   #   #

 

 Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.




Tuesday, July 7, 2026

THE SUMMER OF CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM SODAS AND A CUTE GUY

 

This time of year, I often think longingly about the summers I spent back when I was in my early teens.

My friends and I never were bored. We always thought of something to do or some way to pass the time – that is, when we weren’t earning a few extra dollars babysitting the kids of various neighbors. 

There was the summer that two of my friends and I decided to form a rock band called the Triple Gears, even though we couldn’t sing or play any instruments. There was another summer when a group of us made costumes and put on horror shows in my basement for the local younger kids (but were forced to cease doing so after my mother nearly was trampled one day by a stampede of terrified kids screaming their way up the basement stairs). 

And there also was the most unforgettable summer of all when my friend Janet, my parents and I spent time camping in the wilderness – the adventures of which are documented in my book, There’s a Tick in my Underwear!

But no matter which summer it was, there always was downtown Manchester, the favorite summer hangout of just about every teen back in the 1960s. Manchester was where the movie theaters, library, pizza parlors, bowling alleys and countless stores, from toys to hardware, were located.

The one place, however, where everyone inevitably ended up at some point, was the Puritan restaurant on Elm Street.

The Puritan was THE place to be back then. On the main floor was a casual restaurant (sandwiches and burgers) and a big soda fountain, the entire length of the restaurant. On the second floor was the Tea Room Restaurant with, from what I've heard, fancy tablecloths and real silverware. In all of the years I went to the Puritan, I never once set foot upstairs.

The soda fountain usually was where my friends and I hung out during the summer months. We’d sit at the Formica counter and nurse cherry colas or ice-cream sodas and enjoy the air-conditioning until one of the managers would give us his familiar “buy something else or quit taking up space” looks.

Although our main reason for going to the Puritan usually was to have a place to sit and cool off in 90-degree weather, our reason suddenly changed during the summer before I entered the 10th grade. I still like to refer to it as the “Insane for Wayne" summer.

It all began one weekend afternoon when my friend Sue and I walked into the Puritan for our usual Saturday chocolate ice-cream sodas. There, behind the counter was a new employee – a cute, dark-haired guy in tight black trousers, a short-sleeved white shirt and a white apron. As he wiped the counter, both Sue and I stared, mesmerized, at his flexing biceps. We ordered so many sodas that day, we used up our whole week’s babysitting earnings in one shot, and ended up with wicked gas pains from all of the carbonation we drank. But we figured it was worth it, just so we could sit there and stare at the new, resident hunk.
   
“I think he smiled at me,” Sue said as we walked home from the restaurant that day.

“Well, I think he winked at me!” I shot back.                       

“He probably just had something in his eye,” she muttered.

During our subsequent visits to the Puritan, we learned (only because the manager once called him by name) that our dream guy was Wayne. He even began to chat with us as we loitered at the counter. By then, Sue and I had become masters at nursing our ice-cream sodas until the ice cream turned to liquid and all of the fizz had fizzled out (which helped us to avoid the aforementioned gas pains). 

“I wish I knew Wayne’s last name,” Sue said as we sat on my front steps one afternoon.

I shrugged. “Why don’t you just ASK him what his last name is?”

She looked appalled. “I couldn’t do that! It would be too obvious!” She paused for a moment, then added, “But if I knew his last name, I could look up his phone number and call him!”

“And that’s not too obvious?” I asked.
           
“Yeah, but at least I wouldn’t have to face him in person!” she said. "I'm much braver on the phone."

As it turned out, we learned Wayne’s last name the very next day. The weather was raw and rainy, but we still headed over to the Puritan, as usual. Wayne was just arriving for his shift as we got there. He was wearing a black satin jacket that had “Wayne” embroidered across the shoulders on the back, with “Bass” embroidered under it, right above a picture of an eagle in flight.

“That’s it!” Sue excitedly whispered to me. “His last name is Bass!”

That night, as I watched in disbelief, Sue looked up every Bass in the city phone- book and methodically called each one, asking to speak to Wayne. 

“Maybe he lives out of town,” she said, frowning, over an hour later, after she’d dialed the last Bass and was told for the umpteenth time she’d reached the wrong number. She slumped down on the sofa and sighed in defeat. “Or maybe he doesn’t even have a phone.”

Still, Sue and I weren’t easily discouraged. We allowed ourselves to daydream about Wayne and imagine what it would be like to become “Mrs. Bass.”

“We’ll have two children,” Sue said as she doodled the name “Susan Bass” all over the cover of a magazine she’d been reading. “A boy and a girl – Wayne Junior and Cassie.”

“Cassie?” I repeated. “They’ll call her Cass for short, and then she’ll be Cass Bass! What kind of name is that for a kid?”

“Oh, you’re just jealous!” Sue snapped. “You know Wayne likes me better! I’ll bet you a dollar he asks me out first!”

My chin rose defiantly. “You’re on!”

But reality has a way of destroying even the best daydreams. A few days later, as Sue and I approached the Puritan, we happened to see Wayne standing out front on the sidewalk. Attached to his arm was a blonde who was so sexy, she made Marilyn Monroe look like a boy in comparison. Two other guys, both wearing the same black satin jackets as Wayne’s, also were standing there. When I got close enough to catch a glimpse of the backs of their jackets, I burst out laughing. 

Sue frowned at me “What’s so funny? Our Wayne is with some sexy blonde and he seems to be enjoying her company way too much!  We can’t even begin to compete with someone who looks like her! Her bra is so huge, I could wear it like a hat on my head!”

“Read the other guys’ jackets!” I said, still giggling. Embroidered on the backs of theirs were “Mike” with “Keyboards” under it and “Danny” with “Drums” under it.

Sue just stared bewilderedly at them, and then back at me.

“Wayne’s last name isn’t Bass!” I explained. “He must be in a band with those other two guys. Bass is the instrument he plays, not his name!”

In spite of herself, Sue started to laugh. “And to think I called all of those Basses in the phone book!” she choked.

At that moment, Wayne happened to spot us. “Hey, girls,” he cheerfully called out. “Coming in for your usual chocolate sodas?”

“Sorry, we’re dieting!”  Sue called back, as we walked off, giggling. 

We avoided the Puritan for the rest of that summer...at least when we knew Wayne would be working.

And our waistlines thanked us for it.

 

#   #   #

 

 Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.







Tuesday, June 30, 2026

MY CLASS REUNIONS ALWAYS HAVE INVOLVED CRASH DIETING

 

I haven’t heard anything yet, but 2027 will mark 60 years since I graduated from high school, so I’m wondering if there are any plans in the works yet for a class reunion.

I’ve attended a few of my reunions in the past and had fun seeing my old classmates again and catching up on all of the gossip, but prior to each reunion, the same thing usually occurred. Take, for example, a few months before my 35th reunion…

I answered the phone one July day in 2002, and a female voice on the other end said, “Hi, Sally!  Are you fat?”

It was my old school chum since kindergarten, Carole.

“Well, seeing that you asked,” I said, puzzled, “I guess I am a bit hefty.”

“So am I!” she said, laughing. “How much weight do you think we can lose in four months?”

“In my case, probably about two pounds. Why?”

“I just found out today that we’re having a 35th class reunion in November!”

I groaned. In preparation for our previous high-school reunion back in 1997, both Carole and I had just about starved ourselves for weeks. Our torture paid off, however. On the night of the reunion, we arrived looking  svelte and confident…and hungry enough to eat the tablecloths on the tables.

“Oh, great,” I said, regarding the 35th reunion. “I’ve gained back all of the weight I lost for the last reunion, and then some. I just can’t seem to stay away from anything that has sugar in it.”

“I’ve gained a ton, too,” Carole said, sighing. “I’m hungry all the time. I can polish off a whole box of crackers and a wheel of cheese in one sitting.”

“You think that’s bad?  The other night I ate an entire box of brown sugar with a spoon!”

Back in our school days, Carole and I shared a mutual love of penny candy and pizza. If we’d been given the choice of a date with the hunky captain of the football team or staying home with a big bag of spearmint leaves, fireballs, chocolate-covered caramels and red licorice, the candy would have won hands down. To heck with the football player. Our idea of a dream date would have been Papa Gino’s son.

Immediately following my phone conversation with Carole back in 2002, I searched through my closet and took out the black-velvet, fitted outfit I’d worn to the last class reunion. In a moment of sheer delusion, I decided to try it on. When my arm got stuck halfway through the armhole and began to feel as if it had a blood-pressure cuff wrapped around it, I gave up and flung the outfit onto the bed.

“A person would have to be built like a snake to get into that thing,” I muttered, frowning at the black-velvet heap. “There is NO way I could have worn that to the last reunion!  It must have shrunk over the years from excess moisture in my closet or something. Maybe I should buy a dehumidifier!”

Still, even though I knew it would require weeks of serious dieting and exercising, which made me groan just thinking about it, I really wanted to attend that reunion in November because I’d had such a good time at the previous ones. My husband, however, didn’t share my enthusiasm. In fact, he’d been so bored all night at my 30th reunion, several times during the evening I’d had to put my purse mirror underneath his nose to see if he still was breathing.

But Carole told me that whether she succeeded in losing weight or not, she still planned to attend the reunion and have a great time.

I wish I could have shared her confidence. I hate to say it, but I dieted for only about a week before caving in to my intense craving for Lindt chocolates and fudge-walnut brownies. After that, I never was able to motivate myself to get back on track.

So, to my regret (and my husband's relief), I ended up being a no-show at the 35th reunion.

But now, if there is a reunion in 2027, for the first time in my life I won’t have to bother to lose weight for the event. That’s because I’ve been on a strict “doctor’s orders” diet since last September, thanks to a narrowing of my intestine caused by scar tissue. This allows only very small portions of food to squeeze through at a time, and even then, the food has to be the consistency of baby food.

In other words, eating has become a totally yucky experience.

So now my problem is wrinkles. Without any fat to fill them out anymore, my skin pretty much resembles an unmade bed. And then there’s also the force of gravity to contend with. No matter how much I exercise, parts of my body still are determined to head south, as if they are eager to settle in Florida…or maybe even Cuba.

But I think I’ve come up with the perfect, easy solution for looking great at any and all future reunions…I’m going to hire a sexy Victoria’s Secret model to attend them and wear my nametag all night.

 

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 Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.