Finally…the rest of my Internet story!
I think.
After I practically set up camp in my driveway so I wouldn’t miss the UPS truck, the much-anticipated, new high-speed modem finally arrived. But instead of excitedly tearing the box open and immediately installing the device so I could get back online, I treated it as if it had just been retrieved from the septic tank.
The problem was, I wasn’t eager to go through all of the trouble of reading the instruction booklet and installing the modem, only to face yet another failure to get my Internet working again. Yes, I was being pessimistic, but after years of failing at just about everything I’ve had high hopes about, I had an excellent reason to be doubtful.
It was late at night before I finally gathered the courage to attempt to install the modem. Step by step, I carefully inserted cords and cables into the appropriate slots according to the instructions, then entered the designated key number, password and customer number to activate the machine. A graph with a horizontal blue line appeared on my laptop’s screen. It said that once the blue line made it halfway across to the 50-percent mark, to press the “next” key.
I was hopeful because I’d actually managed to get the graph on my laptop, which I felt meant I must have done something right. So I sat and waited for the line to move. And then I waited some more…and even more. Twenty minutes later, the line still was stuck on zero. A fish that had been out of water for 20 minutes had more movement than that blue line. The booklet also said the modem itself should display a blinking blue light while loading.
The light was white…and not blinking. Not even as much as a teeny flicker.
So I repeated the steps…six times.
The blue line never budged. And neither did the white light, which remained whiter than white.
The back page of the booklet listed a toll-free number to call if I had any problems or questions.
I stared at the number, refusing to call it, denying that I needed help. The modem had to work, I told myself. There was no other option.
An hour later, I finally surrendered and called. The technical-support guy walked me through every step I’d just been through about a dozen times. The too-familiar graph with the blue line appeared on my laptop’s screen once again.
“When the blue line reaches 50-percent, please let me know,” he said.
I chuckled under my breath as I thought, “Good luck with that, buddy! I hope you packed a lunch, because you’re going to need it.”
Five minutes later, he asked me how far the bar had moved.
“It’s still on zero,” I said, actually feeling somewhat pleased that he, a professional, also had failed. It made me feel like less of a dimwit who couldn’t follow directions.
“Oh...” he said, his tone already admitting defeat. "Then I will have to schedule a technician to come to your house to troubleshoot the problem.”
“When?” I asked, rolling my eyes.
Following a period of silence while he checked, he said, “Two weeks from tomorrow.”
“Two weeks! Are you serious?”
“Yes, Ma’am. Will you be available between 11 AM and 2 PM?”
No, because I’ll probably have died from stress by then!
I didn’t realize I’d groaned out loud instead of actually saying anything, until I heard the sound escape my lips.
“I apologize,” he said. “If there is a cancellation before then, I will let you know.”
I seriously doubted anyone would cancel. Heck, even if I were suffering from a severe attack of appendicitis on the day of my appointment, I wouldn’t cancel, mainly because I didn’t want to have to wait another month to get my Internet service back.
But to my surprise, three days later, an employee called and said a technician would be at my house that Thursday between 11 AM and 2 PM.
I wanted to feel excited and hopeful about getting my Internet back at long last, but once again, I wasn’t overflowing with optimism.
Nevertheless, I was ready and waiting at 11 AM on Thursday. The dogs were secured in the laundry room, the dust bunnies behind the sofa all had been vacuumed up, and I was fully dressed and groomed to a “presentable” level.
By 2:30, there still was no sign of the technician. That’s because, unbeknownst to me, my Internet provider had been sending me e-mails, telling me he was running late.
I couldn’t believe they actually were sending e-mails to a customer who had no Internet service. I mean, if I’d have been able to receive and read their e-mails, wouldn’t that indicate I didn’t need a service technician anymore? Yeesh!
Finally, I guess they got tired of me not confirming their e-mails so they switched to phone calls. For all I knew, they probably also had tried texting me first, which would have been interesting, considering my phone is still an old-fashioned landline.
The first call I received, the employee asked me if I’d seen their technician yet.
“Nope, still no sign of him.”
“We’re trying to track him down,” she said. "He's not returning our calls."
The fact they couldn’t even find their repair guy did little to lift my spirits.
Their next call was at 4 PM. They had located him, they reported, and he was on his way…between 5:00 and 7:00 PM.
By then, I figured if there existed an award for customer patience, I’d be in the running for the top honors. Never had I dealt with a more confused, inept, poorly-coordinated business…and believe me, I’ve dealt with some real doozies over the years.
At 6:45 PM, I received a call from a guy who said he was the manager of technical support. Not surprisingly, he apologized and said his guy wasn’t going to be able to make it after all because it was getting too dark, but he would be over at 8 AM on Saturday.
He actually wanted me to get up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday? That was just too much to ask of me. The word “patience” no longer existed in my vocabulary. But before I could open my mouth to respond, the manager said, “Your address looks familiar. Wasn’t someone already over there recently?”
“Yes, two weeks ago,” I said. “But he couldn’t figure out what was wrong.”
“That’s because he told me he wasn’t able to get up on your roof.”
That did it. I was through being “Mrs. Nice Guy.” And I wasn’t about to protect his employee who'd obviously lied to him.
“He certainly did get up on my roof…and he changed the transceiver on the dish! I should know – I held the ladder for him!”
And I was subjected to a full view of his butt crack in the process! 😂
The manager’s tone told me he wasn’t pleased. “Hmm, I see. Then I’ll personally be over on Saturday morning to take care of the problem myself.”
I didn’t know whether to thank him or to send him a sympathy card.
I actually doubted he would show up. And even if he did, I also doubted my Internet problem would be resolved when he left. But most of all, I wasn’t pleased I’d been placed in the middle of that awkward situation between him and his employee.
So, after getting up at 6:30 AM on Saturday so I could await his impending 8 AM arrival, by the time the clock struck 8:30, I was feeling angry enough to bend steel in my bare hands.
The manager made the mistake of showing up at that precise moment. He greeted me with a broad smile and a cheerful “Good morning!” when I opened the door. I responded with only a grunt and a look that instantly could have frozen molten lava.
He set to work, checking the cable and modem behind the sofa, checking the cables outside, checking the cables in the basement. He used the app on his phone to test the signal, of which there was none. I just kept silent and sat watching TV the entire time.
When he mentioned to me he’d been working on satellite dishes for over 20 years, a small ray of hope dared to enter my brain. But I immediately dismissed it because it made me realize that if this guy couldn’t figure out the problem, then I definitely was doomed.
I finally broke my silence and told him I was thinking about getting rid of the satellite dish and switching to Starlink, which was compact, cheaper, and had more than double the gigabytes I currently was getting.
He said I’d never "get rid" of the dish because his company didn’t remove them or even move them. They were there for life, he said, even if I switched to another provider. “That’s because to remove the dish would involve replacing shingles, etc. on the roof afterwards, and we don’t do that. We just need the transceiver back from the front of the dish, that’s all. The rest stays.”
So my house always will have dishes on the roof – permanent ornaments – one for the Internet and one for the TV, unless I want to climb up there and take them down myself. Somehow, I don’t think they will add any value to my property when I want to sell it.
The manager also told me my trees out back were growing too high and probably would be blocking the signal in another year or two. He just had to add that trees cost about $1,000 or more each to chop down.
And I have "only" eight acres of them.
A few minutes later he finally announced he’d found a gap in the cable and had repaired it. Sure enough, I turned on my laptop and my Internet service was back! Even better, the Internet speed test showed it was 56, higher than it ever had been. I had to pinch myself to make certain I hadn't dozed off, which, considering all of the sleep I'd lost getting up early and waiting for repairs, wouldn't have surprised me.
I later called the billing department to let them know I wasn’t about to pay for a month of service I never received. They were fine with that. I also asked them to reinstate my original monthly discounts that had been canceled, along with more gigabytes. They were fine with that, too. And they even threw in an extra $30 for my inconvenience.
I was satisfied, but I knew the real test would come when I saw how the new high-speed modem performed in bad weather. With the old modem, I always lost the signal during rain or snow, so I’d had to schedule my work days around the weather. Now, with the new state-of-the-art modem, I was anticipating a drastic change for the better.
Mother Nature must have heard me because the next night it both rained and snowed. Before the storms, I tested the Internet speed again. It was 55, still good.
Alas, during the snowstorm the speed plummeted to around 0.06. Sloths on sleeping pills were faster. I couldn’t even get into any websites at that speed. During the rain that followed, the speed rose to a whopping 2.
So all I have to say now is Monday is trash-pickup day here. If anyone is looking for a brand new, high-speed modem, check my trash container. I have a feeling it just might be sitting on top of it!
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