As
I was waiting in the checkout line at the supermarket the other day, I found
myself mentally compiling a list of all the things about supermarkets that often irritate me. By the time
it was my turn to cash out, my list of pet peeves was longer than the roll of
toilet paper in my shopping cart.
I have titled my list “It’s Inevitable.”
IT’S INEVITABLE…
· That the shopping cart you select will secretly have been welded to the other carts in its row and will either squeak, wobble, need a front-end alignment, or maneuver with the ease of a bulldozer with its brakes on.
·
That when you enter the supermarket, there will be no customers
whatsoever in the checkout lanes, but the moment you’re ready to cash out,
people with carriages loaded to the ceiling suddenly will emerge from behind
the displays and, with the speed of Kentucky Derby competitors,
make beelines for the registers
· That when you buy a basket of strawberries or blueberries, the fruit on the top will look as if it leapt right off the pages of an award-winning cookbook, while the stuff on the bottom will either be moldy, shriveled, or resemble something you scraped off the bottom of your shoe at a dog park.
· That when you're in a hurry because you suddenly remember you were supposed to pick up your mother after her hairdresser's appointment 20 minutes ago, the customer in front of you will say to the cashier, "The sale sign said those cans of corn were three for $2.00 but you just charged me 79 cents each for them!" This will force the bagger to frantically run up and down every aisle in search of the sale display...and you will not see him again until he is old enough to collect Social Security.
· That products geared toward the elderly, such as arthritis pain-relievers, will be on the topmost shelves and require an Olympic pole-vaulter to reach them.
· That when you’re the third person in line at the deli counter, the first person will order a pound of cold cuts and nothing more, but the second, when asked by the clerk, “Will there be anything else?” will keep answering yes until he has enough coleslaw, potato salad, baked beans and Swiss cheese to supply an Osmond Family reunion.
· That at least once during your shopping excursion, a customer will completely block the aisle with her cart while she stands there and reads the caloric content of all 300 varieties of Campbell’s soup.
· That the package of meat that looked so bright red under the store’s lights will look gray when you see it under your own lights at home and will have, concealed beneath the top layer, at least one slab of fat-encrusted meat that looks as if it came from a cow old enough to have belonged to Teddy Roosevelt.
· That there always will be at least one child sitting in a cart in the checkout line and screaming as if he were being attacked by a pack of wolves because he wants a bag of M&Ms, while his mother silently envisions sticking pins into a voodoo doll of the person responsible for displaying so many tempting treats within children's reach.
· That the ladies at those “free sample” tables will offer you products you’d otherwise never even have considered buying, such as organic seaweed chips and pistachio-encrusted Limburger cheese balls.
· That the store will always smell of bread baking, even when there is no one working in the bakery department.
· That when a severe craving for a specific food drives you to make a special trip to the store in the dark of night or during a blizzard, the item you’re drooling for either will be out of stock, permanently discontinued, or have an expiration date of 2010.
· That the cashier will select the most embarrassing item from your cart and hold it up and shout to the manager, “Hey, Mr. Smith, isn’t ‘Bombs Away’ extra-strength laxative on special this week?” while everyone in line smirks knowingly at you.
· That when an item won’t scan, the cashier will contort into no fewer than a dozen Nadia Comaneci/Simone Biles gymnastic positions in an attempt to make it do so, just to avoid ringing it up manually.
· That someone with a cartload of items will push their way into the express line and argue, “I have 19 identical cans of tuna and five identical jars of mayonnaise. That’s only two items!”
· That once you pay, tuck the receipt into your billfold, zip your purse and sling it over your shoulder, the employee at the exit door will spot the one un-bagged item in your cart and insist upon seeing your receipt to prove you paid for it (I usually get stopped when I buy bottled water in the stores that don't bother to put a circle sticker on it to show I paid. All I can say is if I were indeed a shoplifter, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to risk spending time in jail for something as boring as water!).
· And finally…that the $150 worth of food items (like curried lima-beans au-gratin) you bought when you were so hungry, your stomach thought your throat had been cut, will make you feel nauseated when you look at them the next day.
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