Sally Breslin: My Life: NEW YEAR, SAME OLD WORN-OUT RESOLUTIONS...

Once again, it’s time to make my annual New Year’s resolutions, even though I already know I won’t keep any of them. That's because I usually make the same ones every year, due to my perfect track-record of failing miserably.

It's pretty obvious the old saying, “Persistence pays off," doesn't apply to me.

So although my list of possible resolutions is lengthy, I’ve decided to pick only two of them for 2024. I figure the fewer I have, the more likely I'll be to succeed at keeping at least one of them. I mean, the odds are 50-50…I think.

Also, another reason why I’m listing only two resolutions at this moment is because one of the gifts I received this holiday season was a case of some virulent stomach virus. So any minute now, I’ll probably be leaping over my two dogs and sprinting to the bathroom.

At least if it continues much longer, I can skip my annual resolution to lose weight and get more exercise.

My first resolution is to stop wasting money on anti-aging products. The time has come for me to realize the only thing that will take years off my life and make me look young again is if someone invents a time machine that actually works.

I have so many anti-aging products and gadgets stuffed into my bathroom cabinets, the wood on the doors actually is beginning to look new again. My face, however, still looks as if I fell asleep on a waffle iron. And my neck is so saggy, it’s a wonder I wasn’t shot during turkey-hunting season.

So I resolve to accept the fact that wrinkles and sagging are just a natural part of aging and I'll have to learn how to peacefully co-exist with them (that is, unless I get lucky enough to meet and marry a cosmetic surgeon before I turn into a giant prune).

My second resolution is to motivate myself to pump my own gas. The problem is my brain is still living in the era when people pulled into a gas station and the attendant rushed right out, pumped gas for them, washed their vehicle’s windshield, checked the oil and even gave them a free gift, like a drinking glass or a coffee mug.

So I always have stubbornly refused to pump my own gas. It just doesn’t make sense to me that back when gas was only 35 cents a gallon, the gas-station attendants did everything short of performing show tunes for their patrons. But now that gas is about 10 times more expensive, we’re expected to get out of our warm vehicles in sub-zero temperatures and risk getting frostbite on various susceptible body parts while we stand there pumping our own gas?

This is why I still drive 34 miles out of my way to get gas at one of the very rare full-serve stations left in the state. With my luck, it might even be the last one in existence (perish the thought!).

Whenever I mention it to my friends, however, they laugh at me, shake their heads and say something like: "You're crazy! You’re just wasting gas and money driving that far! Pumping your own gas is a snap, and much cheaper in the long run."

Sure, I know they’re probably right, but it’s the principle of the thing. If I’m going to start pumping my own gas, then I think it’s only fair to expect a reward for my efforts, like the aforementioned free glass or coffee mug.

After all, if I’m saving the station’s employees from getting frostbite on their susceptible body parts, then it should be worth at least something to them, right?

Sorry, gotta run now!

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Happy New Year to all of my readers! Here’s hoping 2024 will bring you happiness, good health, love and prosperity...and a whole bunch of other great stuff!

Sally Breslin is a native New Englander and an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net

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