I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I spent one night last week being completely unproductive. I sat on the sofa and using my laptop, spent hours taking Internet quizzes.
The titles of the quizzes were so intriguing, every time I decided I wasn’t going to take another one, a new quiz would pop up with an enticing title like, “Let Us Give You an Appropriate Nickname,” and I’d be hooked.
I've learned a lot about myself I never knew before, thanks to those quizzes. For example, one of them told me if I were an animal, I’d be an eagle. Needless to say, that surprised me, especially since I have poor eyesight, hate to fly and if I were a bald eagle, I’d be the type who’d probably rush out and buy a toupee. Besides that, I honestly thought my animal would turn out be something like a laughing hyena…or a sloth.
Then I took a quiz where they said they could guess the kind of car I drive. The first question asked how long I’d been driving. The minute I entered “over 50 years,” I was pretty sure they’d say my car was a Model-T Ford. The next question was, “Do you like your car?” followed by, “Do you like to be seen in it?” I assumed they were trying to figure out if my car was so worn out and hideous looking, it was held together with duct tape, or if I happened to drive by anyone I knew, if I’d slouch down in the driver’s seat.
The end result, according to the quiz, was I drive a Bentley
Continental. I’ve never even heard of it. The only Continental I’m familiar
with is a Lincoln, and those run around $50,000, which is about $43,000 more
than I paid for my current car, which I bought used. Out of curiosity, I looked up the price of a Bentley and
discovered it costs about the same as a new house. At that price, if I live to
be 120, I might be able to save up enough to buy one of its tires.
I went on to the next quiz where they said they could guess my middle name. I thought the questions were kind of weird. I mean, how could telling them if I prefer odd or even numbers or get over seven hours of sleep per night give them any clue about my middle name? They finally concluded my middle name is Jean. It’s actually Ann. At least they got two of the letters right.
Another quiz told me how long my life expectancy is. One question asked if I could choose a perfect companion, would it be a human, dog, cat or an inanimate object. The thought of having an inanimate object as a companion made me laugh – although, I actually could picture myself hanging around with and snuggling up to my refrigerator, especially when I’m dieting. The end result said I’ll live to be 101 – not nearly long enough to save up to buy a tire for the Bentley.
The quiz that really interested me was what my true career should be. However, I thought those questions were the strangest of all, especially the one that asked my opinion of personal hygiene. I checked off, “It’s important, but I’m not obsessed with it” rather than “cleanliness is next to godliness.” I guess they took that to mean I don’t bathe regularly and should have a stay-at-home career, far away from other people. My ideal career, according to them? A writer!
I couldn’t believe they finally got something right.
“Which movie is based on your life?” the next quiz asked. I love romances, so I figured it would be something like “Gone With the Wind” or “Love Story.” So I was less than pleased when my quiz results said the movie, “The Hangover,” was based on my life. I mean, I don’t even drink. The explanation, however, said it was attributed to the fact I love people, can easily strike up a conversation and I haven’t really grown up yet. That made it sound a lot better than if they’d said, “Because you constantly act as if you’ve been out binge drinking.”
Then, I’ve always been a big fan of the Star Wars movies, so the quiz entitled, “Which Star Wars Character are You?” caught my attention. My result was I should be the old bearded guy, Obi-Wan Kenobi. The explanation said it was because I’m brave and fairly intelligent. Believe me, the word “brave” never has been used to describe me, especially when spiders are around. And what does “fairly” intelligent mean? That I’m less than smart?
There was one quiz I refused to take, however, even though it said it was for entertainment purposes only. It was, “Find out When and How You Will Die.” Just the title gave me the creeps. One of my cousins took it and it told her she would die 15 years from now in a car crash in Manchester. She thought it was good for a laugh and shrugged it off. If I, on the other hand, had taken that quiz and it told me that, I immediately would be plotting ways in which to hibernate that entire year, miles away from anything with wheels on it.
The other day, I was telling one of my friends about my night of quiz-taking and she groaned and said, “Don’t you know why they ask you all of those dumb questions about personal hygiene, the kind of car you like and how many hours of sleep you get, when they don’t seem to have anything to do with the topics of the quizzes?”
“Well, I thought it was to help them figure out the best answer for me,” I naively said.
“No,” she said. “They don’t care about the quiz, they’re just trying to get information about you for their advertisers! Pretty soon you’ll be getting emails trying to sell you everything from deodorant and laundry detergent to a new car!”
That might explain why I’ve been getting a lot of email advertisements for mattresses lately. Maybe I shouldn’t have told them I usually get fewer than seven hours of sleep per night.
Or maybe they’re thinking that someone whose life is based on the movie, “The Hangover,” really could use a new mattress.
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Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net
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