Sally Breslin: My Life: TOO MUCH TALKING AND NOT ENOUGH SHOPPING

Did you ever go Christmas shopping and despite knowing exactly what you wanted to buy in advance, come home with absolutely nothing? That’s what happened to me last Saturday night, and the reason why I came home gift-less might surprise you.

The clerks all were too sociable.

I think it might have been because the stores actually were pretty dead for a Saturday night, especially on the day after Black Friday, which was surprising. I had expected to be battling throngs of sale-hungry shoppers and waiting in endless lines. Instead, I was able to park almost near the front door at every store I visited, and there were no lines at any of the registers.

The first thing on my list seemed simple enough. I wanted to buy a matching winter hat and scarf set for an elderly male friend of mine who lives in New York and walks everywhere. The first store I went to, I found only women’s hat and scarf sets, so I asked a clerk if she had any for men.

“We have some nice New England Patriots’ ones,” she said.

“Um, my friend is a New Yorker – I don’t think he’s a Patriots fan.”

“We have some sets for dogs,” she continued.

“No, I need it for a human male, not a dog.”

“Speaking of dogs,” she said, “We just lost our Benji. He was 15. We’re all heartbroken.”

I told her I really was sorry to hear that. She then proceeded to tell me all about Benji – his life, his death, his talents. She showed me photos of Benji that were stored in her phone. She then asked if I had a dog. So of course, I had to spend at least 15 minutes telling her about my two.

I then wandered over to the “Seen on TV" products, where I stopped to look at a lipstick-shaped shaver for women.

“Those work really great,” a voice next to me said. It was a cashier who had no customers, so she was tidying up the register aisle. She looked at me and added, “Especially for post-menopausal facial hair."

I found myself wondering if I had any of those post-menopausal hairs sticking out of my chin.

She then went on to tell me she personally owned one of the shavers and her grandson kept borrowing it because he liked it so much. So she bought him his own men's razor so he would leave her shaver alone.

“And he proceeded to nearly decapitate himself with it,” she said. “He really cut himself pretty deep. So I bought him a nice Norelco shaver.”

I then asked her about three different gift-cards I was searching for. She helped me look through about 650 cards. We didn’t find any of the three I needed...but we had a nice conversation about her granddaughter's dance class.

I ended up buying seven gallons of bottled water.

“Preparing for the snowstorm?” a different cashier asked me.

“No, my well-water recently tested positive for high levels of arsenic,” I said. “And I can’t afford the $1,000 to fix the problem.”

“That’s scary,” she said. “Have you had any bad effects from it?”

“None that I know of – at least not yet. I mean, my liver hasn’t fallen out or anything.”

She smiled slyly and said, “Can I borrow some of your well-water? There are a few people I think I’d like to make a drink for with it.”

I left there and went to another store, where I again asked for men’s hat and scarf sets. This store had them – for prices that made me gasp. I hadn’t even realized I’d gasped out loud until a clerk who was folding shirts nearby asked me if something was wrong.

“Yeah, my budget,” I said. “It’s going to be a lean Christmas this year.”

She walked over and showed me a less expensive scarf that came with something that looked like wrap-around earmuffs.

“These are what all of the young crowd is buying,” she said.

“The man I’m buying for is nearly 80. And I need a warm, thick scarf because New York gets pretty cold in the winter.”

“New York?” she said. “What part? My daughter lives there – she just got a job in New York City.”

She then went on to tell me all about her daughter – her college degree, her amazing career opportunity, her high grade-average – complete with photos. She said how proud she was of her and her success at such a young age. We ended up chatting until I heard the announcement that the store would be closing in 10 minutes

I rushed over to the wall of gift cards and frantically searched for the three I still needed. Once again, I couldn’t find any.

“Do you have any Amazon gift cards?” I asked the nearest cashier.

The look she gave me made me feel as if I’d just asked her to commit murder for me.

“This store NEVER carried Amazon gift cards and never will!” she said. “You probably can find one at a...supermarket.”

I wanted to ask her what the store had against Amazon, but seeing there were only a few seconds remaining until closing, I decided I’d better leave.

By then, all of the other stores in the area also had closed, so I had no choice other than to head back home – without a hat and scarf and without any gift cards.

But I must say I really did enjoy my night of shopping and all of the conversations I had. In fact, I came home with much more Christmas spirit than when I’d left.

And I’m hoping my friends will understand that...because I'll probably show up with no Christmas gifts for them this year.

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