Monday, July 16, 2018

I DEFINITELY WILL BE LATE FOR MY OWN FUNERAL




I hate to admit it, but over the years, I have managed to turn being late into an art form. I don't care how hard I try, I never seem to be able to arrive on time for anything.

I guess it's because I've always been a dawdler. When I was a kid, I was the queen of dawdling.  I dawdled when I walked to school.  I dawdled when I walked home.  I even dawdled when I was dawdling. For this reason, my friends nicknamed me “Speedy.”

And things didn’t change when I went to high school. At the time, we lived only about 150 feet from the school.  Through our kitchen window, I actually could see the teachers in their classrooms.  My mother used to joke that all I had to do was roll out of bed every morning and I’d already have one foot in the schoolyard.

Yet, for some reason, I always was the last one to arrive in class.  By the time I finally crawled out of bed (after my mother had to yell at me to get up until she was hoarse), ate one Cheerio at a time, and spent an eternity trying to get my hair to look “just right,” the school’s lunch bell was ringing. I accumulated so many tardy marks on my report cards, the teachers had to attach extra pages.

Nowadays, my usual method for getting ready for appointments is to sit around until about 20 minutes before I have to be there, then I rush around like a madwoman, slapping on makeup and brushing my hair…and hoping I’ve remembered to put on all of my clothes as I rush out the door.  Getting ready in advance with time to spare just isn’t in my nature.

My husband was just the opposite, however.  He arrived at appointments so early, the sun was just rising and the building was still locked. But whenever he wanted me to go somewhere with him, such as a doctor's appointment, we inevitably would arrive late. This would stress him out so much, his blood pressure usually ended up being about 170/100 when the doctor took it.

I'm also a failure when it comes to attending potluck dinners. I have a bad habit of not starting to cook the dish I'm bringing until two hours before I have to be at the gathering. By the time I arrive with my food, everyone's already stretched out and belching, saying how stuffed they are from eating too much. Needless to say, my culinary masterpieces usually end up just sitting there, untouched and unappreciated.

And I've been late for so many job interviews, I'm amazed anyone ever hired me. My first job, in an office in downtown Manchester, I didn't have a driver's license, so I had to take the bus to work. Well, I missed that bus so often, I became the equivalent of an Olympic sprinter, running all the way to work...while wearing high heels!  That could be the reason why my toes all are so twisted now, they look as if someone tried to braid them.

I'd like to say that as I've aged, I've changed and have become more time-conscious, but that would be a lie. If anything, I've become worse. For example, I've arrived at my local post office, my arms stacked with packages to mail, at one minute before closing-time so often, one of the clerks finally lost his patience with me and gave me a stern lecture (I'm being polite here - he actually called me some not-so-nice names and accused me of ruining his personal life because I caused him to stay late at work when he had other places to be).

I really did feel guilty after that, so I made a sincere effort to arrive at the post office earlier from that point on.

Like two minutes before closing time.

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