The other day, one of my friends was telling me about some old episodes of what she described as a hilarious TV show called, “The Real Wedding Crashers,” she’d come across on You Tube.
The show, which aired about 10 years ago, basically was a
hidden-camera program that helped brides and grooms set up pranks to disrupt
their weddings and shock their guests.
Episodes featured actors who portrayed such characters as a
really bad wedding singer, a bridesmaid with a fake bright-orange tan, a best
man giving an embarrassing toast, and two attractive blondes having a catfight
over a nerdy guy at the reception. And then there were the mishaps, such as a
tower of champagne glasses crashing to the floor, and red paint splashing all
over the bride’s dress.
The show made me think of all of the mishaps I’ve seen at
weddings over the years - some of which, I’m ashamed to admit, were my own
fault. No actors were needed to mess up
things, believe me.
I remember one wedding I attended where the bride was only
19. When the caterer came around with
the champagne for the toast, he asked, “Is anyone at the head table under 21?”
“Just the bride,” I blurted out.
All heads turned toward me.
The evil look the bride shot at me could have burned holes through solid
steel. And later, as she sat there
toasting her new husband with a glass of apple cider instead of champagne, I
got the distinct impression she wanted to dunk my head in it.
At another wedding, I wanted to take a photo of the bride
and groom as they exchanged their vows.
Tiptoeing, I inched my way to the back of the altar, so I could be
facing the happy couple. I quickly
snapped the photo without using a flash, so as not to draw any attention to
myself, and then slowly backed away to make my exit.
To my embarrassment, I backed right into a video camera that
had been set up on a tripod to capture the vows.
With a loud crash that made even the minister stop reciting
vows in mid-sentence so he could turn to stare at me, the video camera landed
on the altar. I noticed what looked
like part of a lens go rolling past me.
Funny, but even while the videographer was giving me his
best “I’ll see you in court!” look, the only thing on my mind at that moment
was how huge my butt must have looked as I was backing toward the camera. I was certain that the closer I got, the
wider it grew, until it probably looked as if it were about to swallow the
entire camera. And even worse, I
realized the whole thing had been captured on film forever. Thinking only of myself and not the poor
bride and groom, I prayed the video footage had been destroyed beyond repair in
the fall.
But not all of the wedding mishaps were my fault. At my own wedding, for example, the
photographer we’d hired vanished without a trace during the reception.
After my husband and I had danced our first dance, eaten our
meals and cut the wedding cake, the photographer finally was found in a bar
upstairs…watching the World Series on TV.
As a result, our wedding album contained only one photo of
the cake cutting, taken by one of my husband’s friends who apparently had been
trying to break a world record for consuming the largest number of drinks in a
single hour. The photo was so out of
focus, I looked as if I had three noses, and the cake, which actually was
straight, looked as if it were about to topple over. But I suppose having a bad photo was better than having no
cake-cutting photo at all. Still, it sure would have been nice if cell-phone
cameras had been around back then.
I remember another incident where the band’s van was
involved in a minor accident on the way to the wedding, so there was no music
for the reception. One of the guests
rushed home and brought back his old record player and a stack of records, and
played those all night.
Unfortunately, his record collection left a lot to be
desired. But maybe the bride and groom
were so blissfully in love, they didn’t even notice they were dancing to
William Shatner’s version of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” or Myron Floren’s
“Greatest Polka Hits.”
And then there was the wedding where one of the bridesmaids
gained so much weight between the time of her last dress-fitting and the
wedding, she looked as if she’d had to grease herself with butter just to
squeeze into her gown.
Oh, wait…I was that bridesmaid.
To be honest, I’ve always enjoyed weddings because they’re
such joyful, festive occasions. I mean, where else could you see a usually
stuffy CEO flapping his arms and dancing the chicken dance?
But unfortunately, it’s been nearly 20 years since I’ve
actually been to a wedding.
In retrospect, maybe that’s a good thing.
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