I really miss the Steeplegate Mall in Concord. The last time I was in Concord and saw it, now just a shell of its former bustling self, it pained my heart (either that or it was the burrito I’d eaten for lunch).
How well I remember buying Star Wars toys in the toy shop or hanging around in the pet shop…until their supply of crickets and other insects they’d kept out back for reptile-feeding purposes somehow got loose and ran rampant. From what I heard, Radio Shack ended up with most of the creepy crawlers paying a surprise visit, which probably contributed to the store’s early demise. The pet shop also mysteriously disappeared not too long after that.
But if I had to choose, I’d say Spencer’s was my favorite store there. I had been receiving the Spencer’s Gifts catalog in the mail for years, so I was really excited to explore an actual store with the same name.
I wasn't disappointed. The moment I set foot in the place, I felt as if it had been created especially for me – a.k.a. the lover of weird, unusual, racy and humorous stuff. My eyes grew wide as they scanned the crowded shelves of character masks, action figures, stuffed animals, games and joke items. There also was an area of X-rated “toys” and greeting cards, and a rack of T-shirts and posters that featured everything from TV, music and movie icons to witty and/or risqué sayings and illustrations. The store’s jewelry also was unique for that era – nose rings, tongue and navel studs, and even spiked leather chokers.
But my go-to area always was the 50%-off section, where the store displayed its marked-down items and I never failed to find a great bargain.
Year after year, I continued to frequently shop in and enjoy Spencer’s…that is, until the humiliating day that ruined everything for me…
I was having a good time hunting for bargains, as usual, and was excited to find several marked-down items that were on my “must-have” list, such as a talking Darth-Vader bank. Finally, with my carefully selected items in my arms, I headed toward the check-out counter. That was when I spotted another display of more sale items near the store's entrance and headed over there.
On one end of a makeshift, temporary shelf was a collectible doll marked down from $25 to $9.98. I lifted the doll to get a closer look, and when I did, the shelf acted just like a seesaw when a big guy is seated on one end and a petite woman is on the other…and the big guy suddenly decides to jump off.
I saw the merchandise go flying off, but I just stood there, frozen, still clutching the collectible doll and the other items I wanted to buy. A loud crash and the sound of glass shattering pretty much told me I’d caused a not-so-minor accident. I felt something warm and wet on my feet, which I immediately assumed was blood. Not daring to look down because I feared I’d see a few of my toes separated from my foot, I panicked and did the last thing I wanted to do at that moment…I screamed.
That’s when I happened to catch a glimpse of the mutilated remains of a lava lamp lying on the floor near my feet. Slimy blue lava-lamp innards and pieces of glass were everywhere, including all over my new shoes. To my relief (and utter embarrassment) I realized I wasn’t bleeding after all.
Just about everyone in the store came rushing over. The first one to arrive was a young female employee – I think she might have been the manager – who ended up sliding right past me on the blue oil slick that once had been a clean floor.
“Are you okay?” she asked, doing a really bad impersonation of Tara Lipinski as she slid back toward me.
“I’m fine,” I managed to squeak in reply, my cheeks nearly bursting into flames.
Mops and buckets appeared, courtesy of another employee, and the clean-up began. One thing about lava-lamp innards, however, was the more the employees mopped them, the more they seemed to spread out. As the little blue pond rapidly transformed into an ocean, I sensed the employees were getting frustrated.
For one thing, there was a life-sized cardboard cut-out of the movie character, Austin Powers, right near the entrance, and every time someone walked past it, the cut-out figure, which contained a motion detector, would shout, “Crazy, baby!”
During the mop-up procedure, good old Austin Powers cried, “Crazy, baby!” every time a mop moved...until one employee finally muttered, “Oh, shut up!” and carted Austin off to parts unknown.
Meanwhile, I just stood there, holding my breath and waiting to hear, “You broke it, you own it!” or “You’ve damaged our floor beyond repair and you'll have to pay for a new one...or you'll hear from our lawyers!”
When I couldn’t bear another minute of waiting to find out what my punishment (or sentence) was going to be, I plucked up the courage to ask the female employee what she wanted me to do.
She cast me her very best constipated smile and said, “Everything’s under control. You’re all set, so you can leave now, if you’d like.” She then laughed and added, “And don’t ever come back!”
To be honest, I really didn’t want the doll that had caused the whole lava-lamp fiasco, but seeing there no longer was a shelf to set it on, thanks to me, I felt obligated to buy it. I walked over to the register, leaving blue tracks across the floor as I did, and paid for my purchases. Then I bolted out of the store and never looked back.
Ever since then, whenever I’m anywhere near a lava lamp (which isn’t very often, thank goodness) I nearly break out in hives.
So believe me, I'm praying those lamps never become all the rage again.
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Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.
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