Sally Breslin: My Life: IT'S TIME FOR FROST HEAVES AND POTHOLES

Tuesday, January 30, 2024

IT'S TIME FOR FROST HEAVES AND POTHOLES – WINTER’S MERCILESS OFFSPRING

One of my old friends came over the other day and the first thing I noticed when I opened the door was how green she looked.

“You have any Dramamine?” she asked. “Your road up here is so bad, I nearly lost my lunch!”

The problem was, she wasn’t joking. Every winter, the main road to my house probably could make the Guinness Book of World Records for breeding the largest number of frost heaves and potholes in a single month. An aerial view of the road easily could be mistaken for a topographical map of the Himalayas...or the Grand Canyon.

When I went to the store the other day, I decided to take my two dogs for a ride with me. Big mistake. The road was so bumpy, by the time we reached our destination, they were giving a different meaning to the word “heave”…all over the back seat.

I guess the term “frost heaves” isn’t as widely known in the rest of the country as it is in New England. I remember when we had company from Maryland one winter and they asked us, “What the heck are frost heaves? We saw signs everywhere on our drive up here!”

My husband jokingly told them the signs referred to a really large family named Frost who thought it was fun to heave snowballs at passing cars.

I hate to say it, but I think our guests actually might have believed him.

Because of the condition of the roads every winter, I usually avoid leaving the house unless it's absolutely necessary. And when I do venture out to the supermarket, I buy so many groceries, you’d think I was preparing for a zombie apocalypse. But that’s partly because having the fillings in my teeth jarred loose really doesn’t appeal to me.

Naturally, I drive very slowly on winter-ravaged roads...mainly because I don’t want to leave my car’s exhaust system in a pothole. This inevitably results in some vehicle zooming up behind me and riding my bumper. The last one came so close to my car, when I looked in the rearview mirror, I thought the driver was sitting in my back seat.

In an effort to lose him, I stepped on the gas…just as I came to the Queen Mother of all frost heaves. I think some of my hair is still stuck in my car’s dome light.

Yesterday I received a call to schedule the annual maintenance on my house’s generator system. After I made the appointment, I warned the guy who called, “You’d better take some motion-sickness pills first. The road up here is so bumpy, it’s like trying to ride a rodeo bull."

“Really?” he asked.

"I'm totally serious."

“Thanks for the warning,” he said. He paused before adding with a laugh, “Hmmm…now which of my employees don’t I like? I’ll send him over.”

I was watching a skiing competition on TV the other night and they were showing some of the athletes training on moguls (a.k.a. hundreds of really big bumps). This resulted in them having to assume a position in which their knees practically were touching their chins. All I could think about as I watched them was how much the moguls course resembled the road to my house, and how the skiers seriously should consider coming over here to train. Heck, if they can conquer these bumps, they're guaranteed to win Olympic gold.

Anyway, if I ever have my car checked in the winter and the mechanic suggests it needs an alignment, I'll tell him it can wait until spring.

By then, I figure I'll hit enough bumps to throw the car back into alignment on its own.

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Sally Breslin is an award-winning, syndicated humor-columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net

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