Back in 1998, when I bought my first computer, the way I got online was to hook it up to a telephone line. This was called a “dial-up” connection.
The problem with dial-up was it took forever to get online. After I climbed out of bed in the morning, I’d hit “connect” on the computer, then go take a shower, eat breakfast, walk the dogs, do the newspaper crossword puzzle and reorganize my underwear drawer. Right about then, the computer finally would connect me to the Internet.
I can remember downloading computer programs that gave an
estimate of the amount of time the download would take to complete. It was
something like, “High-speed Internet – 10 minutes. Dial-up connection – 17
hours.”
“I want to get high-speed Internet!” I’d frequently whine to
my husband. “One day you’ll walk into my office and find me covered in cobwebs
because I had to wait so long to download a program using dial-up.”
“Dial-up is just fine,” he’d answer. “You don’t run a
business or anything, so what’s your hurry? The computer eventually gets you
where you want to go. Besides that, high-speed Internet is a lot more expensive
than dial-up.”
“Well, it would be nice to wish someone a happy birthday and not have the message get there three days later!”
He shrugged. “Well, then just send the birthday greeting three days earlier.”
When we moved in 2009, the first thing I decided to do was
switch over to high-speed Internet. Just about every house on my road had
theirs through the same cable company, so I gave the company a call. A
representative was sent over to check out my property.
“Yeah, we can connect you,” the guy said. “But you’re going
to have to pay for over a half-mile of cable for the link-up because you're so far away from any of the other houses that have it. So it will cost you roughly about $20,000 to
install.”
I couldn’t help it – I burst out laughing, thinking the guy was joking.
He wasn’t.
I told him I wouldn’t pay $20,000 for a cable connection
even if a group of half-naked male bodybuilders arrived to install it ($10,000
maybe, but not $20,000).
When I complained to my husband about the cable, he said,
“Well, I guess you’re stuck with dial-up then. You’ll just have to learn to
live with it.”
But I soon discovered there was another option – high-speed
satellite. I checked into it. The price was right and the guy guaranteed it
would connect my computer to the Internet so fast, the breeze would part my
hair. I didn't hesitate to order the installation.
The difference with the satellite hook-up was amazing. When
I turned on the computer, I was connected to the Internet in the blink of an eye. And when I
downloaded a program, it was finished within minutes. I was able to do 50 times
the amount of stuff I’d previously been able to do in the same amount of time.
Well, these last couple of weeks, I’ve been suffering from a bad case of the winter doldrums. This basically means I have the ambition to do absolutely nothing – that is, other than play online games. I’m not talking about all of those fancy-shmancy high-tech ones that require an encyclopedia-sized book of strategies to learn how to play – I’m talking about exciting stuff like solitaire and Scrabble. And after playing solitaire for a solid week, I reached the title of Bronze Grandmaster 6. I have no idea how many levels there are, but I’m pretty sure if it’s like the Olympics, I’ll have to work my way up to Gold Grandmaster, because bronze is only third place.
But when I turned on my computer the other day, prepared to increase my solitaire rating, I was puzzled to discover my high-speed Internet had slowed back down to a crawl.
“You have 35 unread emails,” the screen said.
Three hours later, all 35 finally appeared. Normally, it
would have taken only a few seconds.
“What’s going on?” I muttered. “I have high-speed Internet!”
I began to suspect I was trapped in some sort of time warp that had transported
me back to the dial-up era of 1998.
I tried everything to speed up my computer. I cleaned out all
of the unnecessary junk and photos I’d stored in it. I restored the hard drive
to a previous date. I had my virus-protection program scan for problems.
Still, the computer crawled. So I hooked my
back-up computer to the satellite connection. It was even slower than my main
computer.
That left me only one other option – something I usually
resort to doing only in a dire emergency because the mere thought of it gives me a migraine and stomach cramps…I called technical support at the satellite-dish company.
“Hmmm,” the agent said as he checked my account. “I see here
that you are registering a 99-percent usage on your computer this month. We prefer you to
keep your usage at around 70 percent. So we have reverted you back
to dial-up speed until your usage drops back down to the recommended level.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “You mean you’re punishing me
for using my computer too much? I can’t waste my time sitting around for hours,
waiting to get online! I have important things to do (like reach Grandmaster 7 in solitaire)!”
“Sorry,” he said. “It’s our policy.”
“But nobody ever told me I had a limit! I’ve been with your
company for years, and this is the first time this has ever happened!”
I was pretty upset when I hung up, mainly because I knew I’d
have to ration my computer usage so I could drop back down to the company’s
required level. And considering my only goal during the winter doldrums was to
increase my solitaire status, I was more than frustrated, especially when I then tried to play solitaire, a game that is timed, and the computer kept slowing
down in the middle of it until it stopped to reload, or whatever, and I
couldn’t make any moves at all. The time clock, however, still continued to keep ticking, which I didn't think was fair.
Two nights later, one of the managers from the
satellite-dish company called to tell me he’d decided to restore my service to
its full high speed and set my current usage for the month back to zero.
“You mean I’m not on punishment any more?” I asked. "Exactly what was it I did to make you change your mind?"
He didn't answer my question. Instead, he said, “Just remember I’m making an exception only this one time. Next time, you’ll have to wait it out. Or, if you want unlimited usage, you can subscribe to one of our premium programs."
I began to get the sneaking suspicion the whole incident had been nothing but a ploy to convince me to spend more money. I didn't want to spend a penny more than I already was spending, so I thanked him and then immediately rushed to my computer. When I was able to get online again in only a few seconds, I was so excited, I nearly kissed the screen.
Then I proceeded to play solitaire…non-stop.
Platinum Grandmaster Level 10,000, here I come!
# # #
Sally Breslin is
an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for
newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several
novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction.
Contact her at: sillysally@att.net
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