Sally Breslin: My Life: I SURVIVED MY DOG'S ANNUAL PHYSICAL

My dog, Eden, had her annual physical exam last week and believe me, it’s not something I look forward to every July.

The minute she sees the veterinary clinic, she hides on the floor in the car, which isn’t easy for a 70-lb. dog. And then trying to get her to actually walk through the clinic’s front door is like trying to drag a mule up a hill. She acts as if she’s in a movie called “Dead Dog Walking.”

Even worse, Eden is a fear biter. That means exactly what it sounds like…when she’s scared, she bites. So, because just about everyone and everything at the vet’s scares her, I have to muzzle her, something else she really loves....so much so, I now believe that if the need ever arose, I easily could wrestle an alligator.

NOOO! DON'T MAKE ME GO!

The first thing the vet’s receptionist, after studying Eden’s chart, said to me was, “Oh, it looks like Eden needs everything today.”

I knew from past experience that everything usually required a second mortgage.

Sure enough, she then proceeded to read off what sounded like an inventory list from “Doggy Shots & Medical Tests R Us."

Well, not one, but both of my laptops had bitten the dust only a few days before, which had resulted in my unplanned purchase of a new one, so I said, “Um, I can spare only about $245 today. What can she get for that?”

The employee again looked at Eden’s chart. “Well, the total for all of this comes to only $465.”

Only? No kidding, I nearly needed the vet to come check my heart.

The employee finally, although somewhat grudgingly, did divide the list into “essential and important” and “can wait until a later date.”

The final total was around $235, before my senior discount.

As I sat in the waiting room, I thought of all of the crazy things that had happened at veterinarians’ offices over the years, and pretty soon I was giggling to myself. People sitting near me were staring at me as if they thought I was the one who needed my annual shots, not Eden.

I thought back to one vet, who never failed to crack me up. I remember the first dog I took to him. She was a Lhasa Apso that looked just like a dust mop. The doctor lifted the dog’s tail and said, “Hello, there!” followed by, “Oops! Wrong end!”

Then there was the time I brought my pet turtle to him because I’d turned it over on its back and saw what I’d thought were part of its intestines hanging out near its tail.

“Um…Sally…that's not intestines,” the vet said. “Your turtle is a male, if you know what I mean.” He then laughed and added, “And I think he’s happy to see me!”

Even though I was embarrassed for being so dumb, I burst out laughing.

There were other vets over the years who also made me laugh. When baby hedgehogs were being sold in pet shops at one time, I mentioned to one vet that I was thinking of getting one because they were so cute.

“Hmph!” she said, “Why don’t you just get a pet rock? It’s more exciting!”

That was the same vet who, when I'd asked her to check the overall health of an extremely vicious rottweiler I'd just adopted, said, "I guess the only time I'll ever get a chance to examine her teeth is when I'm pulling them out of my arm!"

Then there was the time Sabre, another one of my rottweilers, had symptoms of a urinary tract infection, so the vet asked me to bring in a urine sample. I can only imagine what the neighbors must have thought that day as they watched me holding an aluminum pan and chasing my dog around the yard. I couldn't keep her on a leash because I needed both hands to maneuver the pan.

Every time Sabre squatted, I’d shove the pan underneath her. The minute I did, she’d stand, give me a dirty look, as if to say, “Some privacy, please?” and walk off. This went on for about 20 minutes until Sabre finally decided she’d had enough. She plopped down in the grass and went to sleep.

I sat and waited a few minutes, then woke her up and got her moving again. Her appointment with the vet was in less than an hour, so I was getting desperate for a sample. Finally, she squatted and I slid the pan underneath her just in time. When she stood, I saw liquid gold in the pan. I picked it up and was so excited, I did the “happy dance.”

And then I dropped the pan.

I could swear I saw Sabre pointing at me and laughing.

I’ll never forget the look on the vet’s face when I presented her with only about two drops of urine. She immediately had one of the assistants take Sabre outside to get a larger sample. Naturally, Sabre cooperated for the assistant and peed a river, just to spite me.

I’m pretty sure I drove many vets crazy over the years, what with my variety of strange pets: a de-scented skunk, an armadillo, chinchillas, turtles, a dwarf cat, an iguana, a one-winged pigeon and some albino African frogs, among other things.

My late husband was afraid to come home from work at night because he said he never knew what might greet him at the door.

But now, I just stick with dogs. They’re more than enough to keep me busy.

CAPYBARA

Although, I was looking at new trends in pets online the other night, and saw these giant guinea pigs called capybaras, which can weigh over 60 lbs. Now they look as if they might make pretty interesting pets.

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(Oh, by the way, Eden’s physical turned out fine, but by the time we got home, there already was a voice mail from the vet’s office asking, “So, when can we schedule Eden for the rest?”).