I
honestly pity Carl, the poor guy who has the frustrating job of mowing my lawn.
The front lawn is no problem – it’s all grass. The back, however, a big
fenced-in area where my dogs freely romp, looks like the site where the movie
“Avengers: Infinity War” was filmed.
For
one thing, it’s a combination of sand and clay, so the only thing that grows in
the yard is a bumper-crop of dust. Lawrence of Arabia would feel right at home
out there.
In the spring, however, the dust transforms into mud, the consistency of which could give quicksand a run for its money.
There
also are scattered clumps of something that resembles grass, but it’s more like rubberized green wire. I spent 10 minutes trying to clip a long clump of it one
day and finally just yanked it out by the roots.
But the holes are the most upsetting and unsightly aspect of the yard. My two dogs have, for the last five years, been in competition to see which one can dig the deepest hole. So far, the rottweiler is winning because she actually dug down to the pipe that connects to the septic tank. If the old expression “digging holes to China” is true, then I expect the dogs will unearth egg rolls and chow mein any day now.
 |
| SEPTIC PIPE WITH INCRIMINATING PAW PRINTS |
The
weird part about the holes they dig is there never is enough dirt left around them that
I can use to fill up the holes again. I have no clue what they do with it…eat
it? Last year I paid for a truckload of dirt so I could fill in the holes.
Within a month, the holes were back and most of the dirt mysteriously had vanished once
again.
Not
long ago, I searched online for suggestions about how to stop dogs from
digging. The most common solution seemed to be to provide a private sandbox for
them, then bury treats in it to keep them digging only in that one area and not
all over the yard.
I
thought it sounded like a pretty dumb idea. I mean, I was trying to break the
dogs of their digging habit, not teach them that if they dig they’ll find
treats.
But
then, I happened to spot an advertisement on the dog-digging page that made my
eyes widen. It said: “Are your pets ruining your lawn? Do they dig it up?
Urinate on it and turn it brown? Are insects thriving in the grass and hitching
rides into your house on your pets? Are you tired of mowing, watering and
fertilizing? Then our synthetic pet-grass is for you!”
Synthetic pet-grass? I’d never heard of it. But I was intrigued. I continued to read all about it. The pet grass, according to the information, was supposed to be very realistic-looking fake grass that was odor-proof, stain-proof, bug-proof, chew-proof and dig- proof. It also featured built-in drainage, could be hosed down to clean it, wouldn’t fade and never would need watering, mowing or fertilizing. The photos showed houses that had synthetic pet-grass lawns, and they were…well, spectacular looking. They even had lawnmower marks in the grass to add realism.
I
was sold. I mean, it sounded like the answer to my prayers. And even though no
prices were listed, I figured it would pay for itself after a while because I
wouldn’t have to pay anyone to mow it. I immediately contacted the company.
“I
completely understand your problems,” the sales representative said to me. “And
believe me, our synthetic grass can solve all of them. We just finished a place
up in Maine where their dogs had severely damaged the yard. So we installed the
synthetic turf on all 12,000 square feet of it. The homeowners are thrilled now
because their property always looks beautiful and requires absolutely no
maintenance.”
He
asked for my yard’s measurements, took down all of the information and said
he’d get back to me with an estimate. As I waited, I looked out the window and
saw the dogs happily digging up the yard and flinging dirt at each other. My
first impulse was to run out there and yell at them, but then I thought, “What
the heck? Let them have their fun! Soon, there will be a beautiful, bug-free,
dirt-free lawn out there they won’t be able to dig! That’ll fix ‘em!”
The
next morning I received an e-mail from the pet-grass company. The estimate for
the job was $24,000. I swear my heart actually stopped beating. My first
thought was those people up in Maine who were so happy with their 12,000 feet of fake grass must have been related to the
Rockefellers.
To
say I was disappointed was an understatement. My perfect idea, my perfect
solution, cost more than the national debt of Liechtenstein.
I sent an e-mail response to the sales representative and told him I’d get back to him when I either won the lottery or had my novel published and sold the movie rights to it.
Meanwhile, on the bright side, I guess if the dogs do continue to dig, they might prevent a burglar from sneaking up on the house in the dark because the guy surely would break a leg…or two.
I
just hope Carl, my lawn guy, doesn’t end up becoming a statistic. I think I’m
going to continue to need him for a long time to come.
# # #
Sally Breslin is an
award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for
newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several
novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science fiction.
Contact her at: sillysally@att.net
No comments:
Post a Comment