Sally Breslin: My Life: WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS?

The other night, one of my friends and I somehow got on the subject of old songs that featured clothing in their titles. We both came up with the same one right away, “Who Wears Short Shorts?"

The song made me think of summer, which is not too far away, and the question I am forced to answer every year: “Aren’t you hot? How come you never wear shorts?”

This question usually is posed by my friends whose legs are long and shapely with slim ankles. My legs are not. Not even close.

My mother had long, shapely legs. Unfortunately, I didn’t take after her. I did, however, take after my mother’s sister, who had really thick ankles. And to make matters even worse, I also ended up with fat knees. I have no clue where those came from because no one else in my family was blessed with fat knees.

Only twice in my life has someone actually said to me, “Nice legs." One of them was a dairy farmer who was about 95 years old and probably had spent way too much time staring at cows.

I am convinced that my legs always have had something against me. When I was born, my right leg was so twisted, my foot was pointing backwards. The doctors said it was because there hadn't been enough room in my mother's womb. So an orthopedic surgeon broke my leg, set it in the right direction and put a cast on it. As a result, my foot always toed-in when I walked.

So from a young age, I was forced to wear orthopedic shoes, which, back then, purposely were created to win the award for the world’s most hideous-looking kids" shoes. My mother bought me a black pair, then shortly thereafter, a red pair, just in case the black ones weren't uglyenough. The shoes were heavy, bulky, had hidden braces on the inside, and thick laces on the outside. For years, I had to clomp around in those monstrosities while my young friends wore dainty patent-leather Mary Janes.

When I got older and was able to stop wearing Herman Munster’s clones on my feet, I discovered that wearing high heels actually gave my legs a bit of a shape. So I bought heels that were so high and uncomfortable, I barely could walk in them. And I still have the bunions to prove it.

I finally just took the easy way out – I began wearing pants all the time. Over the years, I amassed a collection of pantsuits for every occasion – work, weddings, dinners out, family reunions – I became a pantsuit connoisseur.

So even to this day, I’m still asked why no one ever sees my legs.

Well, all I can say is the older I get, the worse my legs look, so I definitely am not about to start revealing them now. I mean, just getting rid of leg hair can be dangerous at my age, what with all of my sagging body parts. Not long ago, I actually nicked my breast while leaning over to shave my legs. So now, I don’t bother. I figure the leg hair makes good insulation in the winter.

And then there are those creepy things called spider veins. I guess they call them that because they supposedly resemble little purple spiders on your legs. On my legs, however, the spiders look as if they've also built webs...and caught flies in them. But spider veins can be hidden with makeup, I’m told. Maybe so, but it wouldn’t matter anyway because I also have varicose veins that make me look as if I’m smuggling electrical cords underneath my skin. Try covering those with makeup!

And to top it all off, I still have a deep scar on my right knee from back in my grammar-school days, when I was swinging on a swing on the school playground and an evil, sadistic kid named Michael decided to sneak up behind me and yank me off by my feet, just as I was way up in the air. It took five stitches to close the gash.

So no, I won’t be wearing shorts this summer. I will be sweating, as usual, in my jeans.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret…even if my legs were long and shapely without a flaw on them, I still wouldn’t wear shorts this summer.

Why not?

Because my butt has drooped to somewhere down behind the backs of my knees.

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AGE 8 WITH MY COUSIN
AND MY "DAINTY" SHOES

Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist and the author of “There’s a Tick in my Underwear!” “Heed the Predictor,” “The Common-Sense Approach to Dream Interpretation,” “Christmas, a Cabin and a Stranger” and “Inside the Blue Cube.” Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.