All I can say is trying to get a book published nowadays isn’t half as exciting or as interesting as it was 25 years ago.
Back then, everything was done by regular mail. I had to bundle up one or two chapters of my manuscript and mail them off to an agent. I also had to enclose the required SASE – the self-addressed stamped envelope in which I would receive either the standard form-letter rejection (“Sorry, this doesn’t fit our current needs”) or the much-anticipated equivalent to the “golden ticket” (“Please send the entire manuscript").
Then the nail-biting daily wait for the mail to arrive would begin.
Now, however, barely any waiting is involved because everything is done by email. Instead of spending days or weeks anticipating a reply from an agent, I now can experience the pain of rejection within minutes. But on the plus side, I no longer have to spend tons of money on postage.
The most important thing I have learned from years of writing books and attempting to get them published is that one of the most valuable tools an author can possess is the ability to write an intriguing, captivating query – the one-page letter in which a writer must pitch his or her book to a literary agent or an editor. In just a few short paragraphs, the work must be made to sound like the next Gone With the Wind or The Great Gatsby and entice the person who is reading the query to write back with lightning speed and say, “Yes! Send me your book! I’m dying to read it! It sounds like a literary masterpiece!”
I remember how much I struggled when trying to write a query for my first book, There’s a Tick in My Underwear. After about 150 hours of failed attempts, I came to the conclusion that humor, when forced to be summarized in only a few paragraphs, just doesn’t sound, well...funny.
Each chapter in my book centered around the experiences I (back when I was a 12-year-old city slicker with severe arachnophobia) had during my summer vacation at a primitive cabin my parents purchased as their getaway from the noise and heat of the city. The chapters included subjects such as battling the outhouse snake, discovering the local swimming hole, rafting down the river, and meeting some of the kids (especially the teen boys) in the area. Without my humorous comments and descriptions, however, all of my chapters sounded pretty yawn-inducing.
So I read a bunch of how-to articles about writing the perfect query letter. “Don’t try to be cute or witty,” one article advised. “Make your query sound as professional as a job application.”
Well, that pretty much ruled out everything I had planned to write.
“Do you think it’s OK to write that I took one look at the outhouse and was immediately stricken with a bad case of constipation?” I’d asked my husband as I sat struggling with my query.
“I don’t think so,” he said.
“How about that Conrad had the same effect on me as drinking syrup of ipecac?”
He shook his head. “You wouldn’t write that on a job application, would you?”
I have to admit I still struggle with writing query letters, even after all these years. The only problem nowadays, however, is that writing a query letter on a computer eliminates the satisfaction of being able to crumple sheets of paper and toss them into the trash. But considering all of my failed attempts over the years, I’ve probably saved an entire forest already.
Not long ago, I found a website that has hundreds of forums about writing. I happened to check out one that dealt with query letters. Many of the rejected writers’ comments made me laugh out loud.
“I’m going to quit after I receive 200 rejections,” one author wrote.
“Me, too!” another replied. “That means I have only 189 more to go before I can shoot my book in the head!”
Another writer wrote, “It’s Sunday morning and I just received two rejections via e-mail. Apparently, editors come to work on Sundays just to reject my novel!”
“I got my rejection at 5:00 in the morning,” a first-time author wrote. “You know that has to be before their morning coffee, when they’re so cranky, even War and Peace would sound like crap to them!”
“You think that’s bad,” came another comment, “I’m receiving rejections from agents I haven’t even sent queries to!”
Their discussion only further convinced me to stick with my current method of self-publishing. That way, no one can reject me…other than myself. But I must confess there still is a small part of me that longs to receive a positive response from an agent (“Yes! I will be your agent and promote your book even though you're nobody who's famous! I think there might even be a movie in the works for it in the future!”).
So I just might try getting my next book published in the traditional way instead of self-publishing.
Considering my past history, however, it probably will take me 12 years just to write the query letter.
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