Sally Breslin: My Life: HOW TO DRIVE YOUR MASTER CRAZY - SOME CANINE TIPS FROM WYNTER BRESLIN

I have been dealing with my extremely hyper Rottweiler, Wynter, all day. She dug a hole deep enough to bury a body in the back yard. She adopted a “pet rock” the size of an orange and flung it all over the yard for over an hour, eventually flinging it onto the porch and knocking out one of the railing slats. And then, because I wasn’t paying attention to her, she paced back and forth from the kitchen to the living room and back again...over 750 times, until she nearly wore a trench in the floor.

So, to keep her busy for a while and to give myself a much-needed break, I am turning this week’s column over to Wynter to write. I have asked her to call it “How to Drive Your Master Crazy,” mainly because she’s a renowned authority on the subject (please excuse any typos – her nails need clipping).

HOW TO DRIVE YOUR MASTER CRAZY

Wynter Breslin

Bark hysterically at everything: butterflies, leaves blowing in the wind, dogs on TV. But when a man wearing a hockey mask and carrying a chainsaw appears at the back door, yawn, curl up in a corner and fall asleep.

No matter how tasty it is, turn up your nose at bargain brands of dog food. Hold out for the expensive, gourmet stuff, even if it tastes like wet sawdust. It’s the principle of the thing. You deserve only the best.

Learn to sit up and beg. Sure, it’s demeaning, but humans will give you just about anything, even a chunk of prime rib, if you learn to beg the way the pros do. And if, while begging, you also can perfect a convincing “sad puppy face,” odds are that you also can score some mashed potatoes to go along with the prime rib.

If, for some reason, the begging doesn’t work, find the sloppiest eater in the family – the guy who gets more food on the floor than in his mouth – and sit right by his feet during meals. Even better, if your family has a little kid who’s always being told to clean his plate before he can have dessert, sit next to him. The only drawback is you might end up having to choke down more carrots and broccoli than if you sat next to an adult.

When it’s warm and sunny outside and there’s not even a cloud in the sky, lie around the house. But the minute there’s a torrential downpour, a blizzard, or winds strong enough to flip over a car, run to the door and frantically scratch to go out. Humans are so obsessed with protecting their hardwood floors and carpeting from “accidents,” they will risk frostbite and debilitating injuries just to take you for a walk.

And while you’re out on a walk with your master, be sure to stop and thoroughly sniff every bush, tree, telephone pole and bug along the route. Also, if you happen to come across anything really disgusting like garbage, road kill, oil, mud or any type of animal waste, it’s your duty as a dog to stop, drop and roll in it.

After you’ve been outside in the rain, don’t shake off the excess water on your fur until you’re back in the house and standing near an expensive piece of wooden furniture. And if the furniture has just been polished, give yourself a double shake. Don’t ignore any humans in the vicinity either. Be sure to aim a nice dripping-wet shake in their direction, too.

As soon as fur-shedding season begins, sleep only on the sofa, in your master’s favorite chair or on the new bedspread. Also, if you have light-colored fur, be sure to rub up against anyone and everyone who is wearing black pants.

Chew only on designer shoes. Why settle for cheap flip-flops when you can have a $150 genuine-leather Rockport?

Eat a lot of grass when you’re outside. For some reason, this makes humans nervous. I think it’s because they’ve heard rumors that we eat grass only when we want to throw up. I guess they can’t grasp the concept that we might enjoy a “salad” now and then, too.

Learn that not all car rides are alike, so don’t always get excited and wag your tail when your master asks you if you want to go for a ride. While most rides are an enjoyable experience, be forewarned that at least once a year, one ride inevitably will take you to a place that smells like antiseptic and is filled with smock-wearing people who will jab you with needles. Memorize the route to this place as soon as possible. Then, whenever you see the car heading in that direction, get carsick all over the back seat. With luck, this will make you so late for your appointment, it will be canceled.

Roll your favorite toy under the heaviest piece of furniture in the house, then whine until someone attempts to retrieve it for you. If that person fails to produce your toy, continue to whine until someone gives you a dog biscuit to shut you up.

And last but not least, keep your masters on their toes by licking their hands and faces as often as possible. They have no way of knowing if you are showing them affection...or sampling them for taste.

Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to share my advice with you. And now, if you will excuse me, there’s a new braided rug in the hallway that needs my attention. I just have to decide whether I should “christen” it or shred it.

Perhaps I’ll do both. After all, I have a reputation to uphold.

# # #