Monday, November 7, 2016

MY THANKSGIVING TURKEY NEEDED A CHAINSAW



I still can remember how excited I was, back when I was a newlywed, about planning, cooking and hosting my first Thanksgiving dinner.
Now, over 45 years later, I’d be perfectly happy just to buy some sliced turkey from the local deli, slap it between a couple slices of bread and eat it in front of the TV…while spending Thanksgiving Day in my pajamas.
I’ll never forget the first Thanksgiving dinner I ever cooked. It was a big deal for me because I’d never prepared a feast before, and I was going to be cooking for seven people. To me, that was the equivalent of having to feed an entire football team.
The month before Thanksgiving, I bought just about every woman’s magazine on the market and carefully studied all of the recipes in them. I didn’t want to make just basic, traditional holiday fare. No, I wanted my meal to be fancy and unique. I decided to make orange-cranberry relish instead of just plain cranberry sauce, and pumpkin-chiffon pie instead of the usual run-of-the-mill pumpkin pie. I also liked the idea of adding roasted chestnuts and wild rice to my turkey’s dressing.
By the time I bought everything I needed to make the meal, it ended up costing me so much, I probably could have hired Wolfgang Puck to personally prepare and serve Thanksgiving dinner for me.
As it turned out, despite all of my careful planning and research, I encountered two major problems on Thanksgiving Day. The first was my roasted turkey, the main attraction. It looked beautiful – picture-perfect and a nice golden brown in color.
 And it was so tough, it actually bent the knife when my father tried to carve it. 
“This turkey must have died of old age,” my husband muttered, frowning, after he’d spent 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to chew the first bite.
My aunt, also struggling with chewing, made a comment in Russian, her native language. I had no idea what the translation was, but judging from her expression and the fact she nearly needed the Heimlich maneuver after she finally managed to swallow a piece of the turkey, I was pretty sure she wasn’t saying, “Mmmm!  This is so moist and delicious!”
And in the time it took my father to saw off a drumstick for himself, a lumberjack could have taken down a couple giant redwoods.
The fact I’d left the bag of innards still tucked inside the turkey when I cooked it didn’t help gain any gourmet points, either.
The second problem was the mashed potatoes. I still have no clue what type of potatoes I bought, but I’m pretty sure they’d been cross-bred with rocks. After an hour of boiling them, they still were hard and crunchy. Desperate, because my guests already were arriving, I shoved the potatoes into the microwave, then took them out and mashed them.
The rich, creamy potatoes smothered in gravy I’d envisioned for the meal ended up sporting lumps the size of jawbreakers. So I added more cream and butter to them and poured everything into the blender.
The end result had the appearance and consistency of white glue.
“Please pass the gravy,” my husband said after taking a big mouthful of the potatoes. His request, however, came out sounding more like, “Puz pash ba gubby,” because his teeth were stuck together.
That meal forever came to be known as, “the year of the turkey-jerky.”
Thankfully, through a lot of trial and error over the years, my subsequent Thanksgiving dinners became increasingly better – and some even garnered rave reviews.
But experience also taught me there was something I could do a week before Thanksgiving to ensure that the meal would be absolutely perfect, from appetizers through dessert, with no stress whatsoever...
Make reservations for Thanksgiving dinner at a really nice restaurant.


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