I
own two winter coats. One is the one I wear when I’m going to a public place,
like the mall or a restaurant. The other is a hooded jacket I wear when I walk the dogs. Needless to say, the
walking-the-dogs jacket has a lot less style and lot more warmth. When I wear
it, I look about as shapely as the Michelin Man…but it keeps me toasty.
The
other day, as I was about to walk the dogs, I put on my warm jacket and shoved
my usual must-haves into the pockets: cell phone, keys, pepper spray, dog
treats, tissues, a mini flashlight…and one by one, they landed on the floor. I
took off the jacket and checked the pockets. When I stuck my hand into the left
one, my fingers came out through the hem.
I
wasn’t surprised. Over the past 10 years, I’d been noticing the shreds in the
jacket’s lining, the holes in the pockets, and the zipper that got stuck more
often than it zipped (due to the aforementioned shredded lining getting caught
in it). But I tried to ignore the signs of impending doom. I was hoping the
jacket somehow would miraculously heal itself, kind of like a wounded animal.
Considering
the fact I can’t even thread a needle, I decided the time had come to buy a new
warm winter jacket – one with pockets that actually were still attached to it. So
I reluctantly went shopping.
Too
soon I discovered that February really isn’t a good time to shop for warm
clothing. Even though the outdoor temperature was cold enough to give a polar
bear a bad case of the goosebumps, the clothing displays in most of the stores
featured Bermuda shorts, halter tops and lightweight spring jackets. Any winter
coats still available were clumped together on “sale” racks and looked as if
they had been Christmas returns – probably because, judging from most of the
styles, the people who’d received them as gifts had been too embarrassed to be
seen wearing them in public.
And
when I finally did find a jacket that met my criteria – long, past the hips,
with a warm lining and a detachable hood – it was size XS, which meant that
even if I could manage to squeeze any of my body parts into it, the length of
the sleeves would end up somewhere around my elbows.
Discouraged,
I came home and seriously tried to repair my old jacket. The results were so
crooked, bunched up and hideous looking, the only place I’d ever wear the
jacket would be in the middle of woods…after dark. Even then, nocturnal wild animals probably would point at it and
laugh.
Anyway,
the other day my dogs and I took a ride to K-Mart because I wanted to buy an
insulated cookie sheet. My oven has this bad habit of burning the bottoms of
cookies to charcoal stage after only five minutes, while the tops of the
cookies are still raw. But if I use an insulated sheet, the cookies come out
golden on both the tops and the bottoms. I’d bought one earlier at K-Mart and
liked it so much, I decided to buy another one.
When
I entered the store, I happened to see a couple racks of ladies’ winter coats
up ahead to the right, so for the heck of it, I checked them out.
There,
among the seemingly endless leather jackets and unlined woolen coats, I spotted
the perfect jacket. It was long, thick, soft, and was lined with a black,
fleecy material. Even the hood and sleeves were fully lined for extra warmth. I
tried on the jacket without even checking the size. To my disbelief, it fit
perfectly.
I
finally looked at the tag. The jacket was from the Jaclyn Smith (the former
Charlie’s Angel) collection and was described as being “faux shearling.” It also was $129.99. That immediately kicked it up to a “going
out to dinner” jacket, not a “walk the drooling and fur-shedding dogs”
one. It didn’t matter anyway. At that
price, I couldn’t even afford the hood.
That’s
when I noticed a big “SALE” sign on the rack.
I took off the jacket and rushed over to a clerk for a price check.
It
was only $48. I nearly did a happy dance in the aisle.
Clutching
the bag with my newly purchased jacket in it, I headed out to the car. I
climbed in and set down the bag on the front seat.
Almost
immediately, the dogs went crazy. Raven stuck her head between the seats and
attacked the bag, grabbing it and trying to drag into the back seat. I had to
tear it away from her.
When
I got home, I checked the jacket’s materials listed on the label. I thought
maybe the dogs had attacked it because it might contain real shearling instead
of the “faux” variety – or maybe some kind of recycled animal fur.
The
label listed only one material for the coat. And as far as I know, there is no
animal called “100 percent polyester.”
Out
of curiosity, I held up the jacket to see what the dogs would do once it was
out of the bag. They growled at it.
So
now I have a nice warm, new jacket…but I’m afraid to wear it. I have the
feeling it may end up shredded with the pockets ripped off, just like my old
jacket…only this time it won’t be from natural causes
But
if I ever have to buy another winter coat, I figure July might be a good month
to go shopping for one.
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