I own two winter coats. One of them I wear when I’m going to a public place like a mall or a restaurant. The other is a hooded jacket I wear when I walk the dogs or shovel snow. I bought both of them about 20 years ago when Burlington Coat Factory first opened in Concord.
Needless to say, the walking-the-dogs jacket is a lot less stylish but much warmer than my dressier coat. I also wear it more often, mainly because my total lack of a social life means I have no reason to wear the nicer one.
And my dogs couldn't care less what I wear...unless I spill gravy on it.
The other day, as I was about to walk the dogs, I put on my
warm jacket and then shoved my usual must-haves into the pockets: phone, keys,
pepper spray, dog treats, tissues…and one by one, they
landed on the floor. I took off the jacket and checked the pockets. When I
stuck my hand into the left one, my fingers came out through the bottom hem. 
THE ACTUAL LINING OF MY OLD JACKET
I wasn’t surprised. Little by little I had been noticing the jacket’s shredded lining, holey pockets and the zipper that got stuck more often than it zipped (because it kept getting caught in the aforementioned shredded lining). But I tried to ignore the signs of impending doom. I guess I hoped the jacket somehow would miraculously repair itself…kind of like the way iguanas are able to grow new tails.
Considering the fact I barely can thread a needle, I decided the time had come to buy a new winter jacket – particularly one with pockets that still were attached to it. So I reluctantly went shopping.
I soon discovered that late January really wasn’t the best time to shop for warm clothing. Even though the recent temperatures had been cold enough to give a polar bear goosebumps, the clothing displays in most of the stores already were featuring Bermuda shorts, halter tops and lightweight spring jackets.
Any winter coats I did see were clustered together on “sale” racks and looked as if they had been Christmas returns – probably because, judging from some of the styles, the people who’d received them as gifts had been too embarrassed to be seen wearing them in public.
When I finally did find a jacket that met my criteria – mid-thigh length with a warm lining and hood – it was size XS petite, which meant that even if I could manage to squeeze any of my body parts into it, the sleeves still would come to just below my elbows.
Discouraged, I headed home and convinced myself to try to repair my old jacket. The results were so crooked, bunched up and hideous looking, the only place I’d ever wear that jacket again would be in the woods…after dark. Even then, the nocturnal wild animals probably would point at it and laugh.
When I later went shopping again for something other than a new jacket, I happened to notice two racks of ladies’ winter coats as I walked through one of the stores. Even though I wasn't optimistic, I checked them out.
There, amongst the too thin, unlined woolen coats and the too bulky quilted ones, I spotted the perfect jacket. It was long, soft, and was lined with an inch-thick layer of black, fleecy material. Even the hood and sleeves were fully lined for extra warmth. I tried on the jacket without even checking the size. To my disbelief, it fit perfectly.
Suddenly I knew how Goldilocks had felt at the Three Bears' house.
I finally looked at the jacket's tag. It was described as “faux” shearling and “faux” suede, and was priced at $129.99. To me, that seemed like a lot of money for so much “faux” stuff. The price also immediately kicked it up a few notches to a “going out to dinner” jacket instead of a “walking the drooling and fur-shedding dogs” one. Not that it mattered anyway. At that price, I couldn’t even afford the hood.
That’s when I noticed a big “SALE” sign at the far end of the rack. I took off the jacket and rushed over to a clerk for a price check.
The sale price was $48. That still seemed too expensive to me, mainly because I’d paid only $29 for my last jacket. But I liked this one so much, I splurged and bought it. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, $48 seemed like a small price to pay to prevent a frostbitten navel...or worse.
The new jacket turned out to be the warmest and most comfortable one I’ve ever worn.
There's only one problem with it, however. Whenever I wear it, my dogs go crazy. One sniff and they growl at it, then jump all over me and nearly knock me down.
Puzzled, I checked the jacket’s materials listed on the inner label. I thought maybe it actually contained real shearling instead of the “faux” variety – or maybe even some recycled animal fur, and that was what was aggravating them.
Well, unless there is an animal called “100-percent polyester,” the jacket seems fine.
So now I have a nice new jacket to keep me warm when I walk the dogs. The only problem is I’m afraid to wear it anywhere near them. If I do, I have the feeling it might end up shredded and with the pockets ripped off, just like my old jacket. Only this time it won’t be from natural causes.
If my dogs' behavior continues, I might have no choice other than to buy a different winter jacket.
I figure July, when the stores start to display their Christmas items, will be a good month to go shopping for it.
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Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.
