Monday, March 31, 2025

JUST IN CASE I GO MISSING...

 


(NOTE:  This a follow-up to my 2011 blog post, "I'm Getting That Sinking Feeling," which explains the situation in detail. Click here to read:

https://sallybreslin.blogspot.com/2011/03/im-getting-that-sinking-feeling.html



A few things have happened recently that are causing me some concern...um, make that a lot of concern.

First of all, I had the semi-annual maintenance done on my automatic generator system two weeks ago. Usually the electrician shows up, does the outdoor task and then leaves. Sometimes I never even know he was out there until I receive the bill. This time, however, he rang the doorbell.

Years of experience have taught me that when the person who is mowing your lawn, plowing your driveway or making an outside repair rings your doorbell, it means either he or she needs a bathroom break...or something is wrong.

In this case, it was the latter.

"The concrete pad your generator is sitting on has sunk below ground," the electrician said. "I barely could change the oil because I had a lot of trouble reaching anything under the unit. You're going to have to get a new pad and raise things up."

The news caused something I had been trying to ignore for years to resurface...my property still was sinking. No big surprise there. I'd been told back in 2011 that my house needed to be jacked up on piers because the ground underneath the foundation was basically mud, thanks to an underground spring.

The piers and their installation, however, cost more than I earn in a year or two.

I smiled and thanked the electrician for the information and said I'd get the new generator pad installed soon.

Like maybe in 2035. 

If I win the lottery.

Then the other night, I was curled up on the sofa and watching TV with my two dogs when suddenly a loud crash came from somewhere down in the bedroom area. The dogs and I both jumped.

Imagining all of the worst-case scenarios – an alien invasion, a burglar, an escaped convict hiding up in my attic and falling though the ceiling – I sent my dogs down to the bedrooms to check things out (while I hid). To my surprise, they ran straight into the hallway bathroom, which is smaller than a closet and doesn't even have a window.

I inched my way toward the bathroom and cautiously peered in through the doorway. I couldn't figure out what I was seeing. The shower-curtain rod, which resembles a metal pipe, was lying on the floor. The curtain was totally detached from it and lying in a heap in the tub. It looked as if someone had been standing in the tub and yanked on the shower curtain, causing the rod to come crashing down and the curtain to tear off.

A thorough search of the house revealed no naked, soapy intruder or any other forms of life. So I was puzzled...until I tried to put the shower rod back up where it belonged and discovered it no longer reached.

That's when I was forced to admit that the prediction I'd been given by a structural engineer (about the house splitting in half in the future if I didn't get it jacked up on piers) finally was coming true. I'd been ignoring the fact that my inside doors had been closing by themselves for months and the basement was getting darker because the windows were letting in less and less light and more and more scenes of earthworms tunneling in the soil.

But I can't ignore the generator sinking and my shower rod falling off the wall. In fact, I now kind of feel as if I'm living on the Titanic.

Therefore, I thought I'd better write about what's been going on lately so if I wake up one morning and discover the house and I have fallen into a giant sinkhole, someone might come searching for me. 

And bring a crane.

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Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.







Tuesday, March 25, 2025

FINDING THIS OLD FLOPPY DISK GAVE ME A GOOD LAUGH!

 

Those of you who have been reading my humor columns for years probably already know about the 30-plus years I also spent as "The Dream Lady," interpreting people's dreams in my newspaper columns and live, on the radio. I also was offered the opportunity to appear on TV, but decided against it, mainly because a "friend" once told me I have the face for radio, not TV.

Anyway, the other night I was searching for something in my very cluttered office (and I still haven't found it) and I came across a plastic box that contained floppy disks from my old word processor; a machine that weighed about 50 lbs. and took up most of the kitchen table. 

Immediately, curiosity hit me and I just had to know what was on those disks. Fortunately I still have a floppy-disk drive that plugs into my laptop's USB port, so I decided to give it a try.

To my surprise, I actually found it. And an even bigger surprise...it worked.

The disks contained a lot of my old newspaper columns, articles and even some drawings I'd scanned and stored on them. 

Then I came to a disk that was filled with what I'd thought many years ago was a great idea - a comic strip about dreams! There were over 30 of the comic strips on it, all rough drafts I'd painstakingly sketched on paper. I'd then added the dialogue using the word processor, and finally scanned them onto the disk...no easy task. But I'd convinced myself my concept was so fresh and innovative, I'd soon be right up there with the likes of Charles Schulz of Peanuts fame and Jim Davis, creator of Garfield.

The only "slight" problem was I knew nothing about drawing comic-strip characters. Still, that didn't deter me. I feverishly worked at sketching my ideas for hours. I figured I could polish my skills afterwards, when I would add colors and shading...and hopefully make my artwork (and I use the term loosely) look more professional. 

The only good thing about my project was I had over 30 years of people's "unique" dreams to use for subject matter, so I knew I'd never lack for something to feature in my comic strip. Even if I lived to be 100, I was certain I'd still have enough dreams left to last another 20 years.

Alas, as I sat in my office the other night, studying all of the comic strips on that floppy disk, I didn't know whether to groan or to laugh...so I ended up doing both. I groaned at the absolutely terrible artwork and laughed at the ridiculous dreams, even though all of them were condensed versions of actual dreams people had sent to me to be interpreted.

So, before I tuck the disk back into its box where it probably will remain until the next time I decide to clean my office, which is never, I thought I'd select a few of the comic strips to share with you so you also might have a few laughs (or groans). After all, I didn't suffer through all of those obsessive hours of creativity back then only to never show the results of my efforts to anyone...even though I'm pretty sure that might be a wise idea.

Looking back, I think the "Dream Lady" might have had a lot in common with Don Quixote...dreaming the impossible dream...especially in this case!


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                     (Just noticed she has two left feet! Ha, ha!)


Monday, March 17, 2025

AT MY AGE, HAPPINESS TAKES ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING...

 






If there’s one thing I’ve learned about the Internet, it’s that you never know what you’re going to find on there.

The other day on Facebook, for example, in addition to a zillion close-up photos of people's dinners, kids and grandkids; diabolical political-plot theories, and volumes of AI-generated “real” clips of dogs with three heads and babies doing cartwheels, some woman posted a list of the things that make her happy. She asked others to pass the list along after adding their own “happy things” to it. Her goal, she said, was to spread happiness to as many people as humanly possible.

Well, although I admire her efforts, I think maybe I’m getting a little too cynical and crotchety in my old age, because all I could think about while reading her “things that make me happy” list was she must be only about 20 years old and a direct descendant of Mary Poppins. I also thought about how, when she gets to be my age, her perspective drastically will change.

So, as she requested, I am going to add my own “happy things” in response to her list. 

Here goes...

SHE’S HAPPY…To wake up in the morning, see the sun streaming in through the window, and then make plans for a fresh new day.

I’M HAPPY…To wake up.

SHE’S HAPPY…To look in the bathroom mirror and smile at her reflection, telling herself that although she's not a raving beauty, she's still special.

I’M HAPPY…To look in the bathroom mirror and find it so splattered with soap and toothpaste, I no longer can see my reflection and scare myself.

SHE’S HAPPY…To take a warm, relaxing bath when she feels tense.

I’M HAPPY...When I have enough hot water to soak anything higher than my bunions.

SHE’S HAPPY...To share a nourishing breakfast with her family.

I’M HAPPY...To find at least one slice of bread without any green on it so I can pop it into the toaster.

SHE’S HAPPY...To see beautiful, delicate snowflakes floating past her window.

I’M HAPPY...To have memorized the phone number of a good chiropractor so I can use it after I’ve finished shoveling three tons of those beautiful, delicate snowflakes.

SHE’S HAPPY...To answer her phone and hear the voice of a dear friend.

I’M HAPPY…To answer the phone and discover it’s not some guy with a heavy accent trying to convince me there’s something wrong with an order I never made and they’ll be sure to straighten it out right away if I give them my credit-card number and password, my social-security number, date of birth, blood type, and the name of my first-grade teacher.

SHE’S HAPPY...To occasionally treat herself to a pretty new dress that makes her feel oh-so-feminine.

I’M HAPPY...When sweatpants and thermal underwear go on sale.

SHE’S HAPPY...To generously make regular donations to charity.

I’M HAPPY...If after I finish paying all of the monthly bills, I have any money left that actually folds, not jingles.

SHE’S HAPPY...To lie in bed and listen to the rain gently falling on the roof.

I’M HAPPY... To lie in bed and not get splashed between the eyes by the rain gently leaking through the roof.

SHE’S HAPPY...To plant a garden in her yard and watch all of the lovely flowers bloom.

I’M HAPPY...I’ve finally developed an immunity to poison ivy.

SHE’S HAPPY...To treat herself to a nice fresh apple or orange, and savor each bite.

I’M HAPPY...To treat myself to a pound of M&Ms and one of every variety of donut sold at Dunkin’ Donuts.

SHE’S HAPPY...To step outside and take a nice deep breath of fresh, crisp air.

I’M HAPPY...To still be breathing.

SHE’S HAPPY...When she receives a handmade gift from one of her children.

I’M HAPPY...When my dogs don’t leave me any “gifts”…especially on the carpet.

SHE’S HAPPY...To walk barefoot through the grass and feel its softness between her toes.

I’M HAPPY...(See my previous answer about the dogs, and substitute “lawn” for “carpet”).

SHE’S HAPPY...To hear the sweet songs of the birds in the trees.

I’M HAPPY...When all of the squawking crows and blue jays get laryngitis.

SHE’S HAPPY...To share all of her cheerful, happy thoughts with the rest of the world via social media.

I’M HAPPY...She hasn’t been cloned.


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Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.








 



 



Sunday, March 9, 2025

MEMORIES OF MY HUSBAND'S FIRST PLAYSTATION...AND MY FIRST MIGRAINE



I happened to notice a box on the top shelf in the closet the other day...a PlayStation-2 box. It turned out to be empty.   

But it sure brought back a lot of memories...

I can’t believe how far video games have progressed in just the past few years. I still can remember the first video game we purchased way back in the Dark Ages. It was called Pong and featured two on-screen paddles and a ball. All the players had to do was hit the ball back and forth, nothing else. Talk about boring. And the next games had stick figures doing battle. They moved around like robots and had limited capabilities, such as being able to move only left and right or up and down.

Today’s games are so realistic, the on-screen characters can do everything, and much more, than real people can. Believe me, if my late husband were still alive today, he would be as excited as a rottweiler in a butcher shop to see just how advanced the games have become.

But back during the early years of the video-game craze, he actually had no interest in any of it. I, unfortunately, changed all of that.

It all began when I read an article that said home-video games could greatly relieve stress. According to the article, not only did the newer games back then involve a lot of careful planning and strategy, they also allowed people to relieve their tension by seeking out and destroying enemy forces. Seeing that my husband was under a good deal of stress at work, I thought a PlayStation (or a long vacation on a tropical island somewhere) might be the perfect solution for him…only because it was the cheaper of the two options.

Knowing about as much about video games as I did about building my own missile launcher, I headed to the store. The clerk was very helpful, even suggesting the most popular games and accessories to go with the PlayStation system. I arrived home about $250 poorer, but with high hopes. To my disappointment, my purchases were met with less than wild enthusiasm.

“I don’t know when I’ll ever have time to use a PlayStation,” my husband said, eyeing the box critically. “I just have too much work.”

“But that’s the whole point,” I protested. “I bought it to take your mind off work.”

The next Saturday morning, he tried the two games I’d purchased - one featuring killer zombies and the other, a shapely woman adventurer. He ended up yawning halfway through them. The PlayStation was neatly put away in its box after that, and I had a sinking feeling it never would see the light of day again.

Two weeks later, however, as I was browsing in a department store, I happened to spot a PlayStation game that seemed tailor-made for my husband. He’d always told me that when he was a child, no game, toy or bike ever came close to giving him as much pleasure as playing with his simple set of green plastic toy soldiers.

Well, sitting right there in a glass case in the store, was “Army Men,” a video game featuring little green toy soldiers battling little tan toy soldiers. It also was on sale for only $19.95 instead of the usual $39.95. So I snapped it up.

Just as I’d hoped, when I presented the game to my husband, his eyes lit up like 100-watt bulbs. He immediately dug out the PlayStation and hooked it up. Within minutes, he was so involved playing the game and leading his soldiers to victory by capturing “Fort Plastico” (or whatever it was called), I ceased to exist.

Hours passed…then days, weeks and months (or so it seemed) and still he played.

“I just made it to another level!” he’d victoriously shout after completing each new mission. Then he’d go on to another…and another. Of course, back then, in order to play the game, he had to completely take over the TV set. I honestly began to forget what a TV screen (without little tan and green soldiers running all over it) looked like. I would have watched the TV in the bedroom, but it was so old, every image on the screen was so distorted, all of the people looked as if they’d been involved in some horrible, disfiguring accident.

“Only one more game,” my husband would say at 8 o’clock every night. “I’m really tired tonight.” 

Whenever he’d say that, I’d nearly jump up and cheer, foolishly believing it meant I’d actually get to watch my favorite TV shows for the first time in ages.

Alas, ten o’clock would come and go, and still my husband wouldn’t be any closer to going to bed…or quitting his game. I figured if I ever wanted to see my TV shows again, I’d have to go hang around in the TV department at Walmart and watch them there.

“The PlayStation is relieving my husband’s stress,” I kept telling myself, all the while feeling more and more stressed myself. Then, one night, my husband came out with something that caught me completely off guard.

“Did you know that two people can play this game?” he asked. “Why don’t you grab one of the controllers and play a game with me?  You can be the tan army, and I’ll be the green.”

“But I don’t even know the first thing about it,” I protested. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll teach you,” he said.

Fool that I was, I believed him.

Barely one minute into the game, his little green soldier leapt out from behind a wall and shot my tan soldier. My soldier groaned, then keeled over backwards and landed with his feet up in the air.

I glared at my husband.

Within seconds, I had another tan soldier armed and ready to do battle. Once again, my husband’s green soldier popped out of nowhere (this time, with a flame thrower) and reduced my poor guy to a puddle of melted tan plastic. My husband cackled fiendishly.

“I’ve had enough of this game!” I snapped (gracious loser that I was), throwing the controller down. “You’re too mean!”

“Oh, all right,” he said. “I’ll go easy on you until you get the hang of it. Just give it one more try, okay?” 

Against my better judgment, I played another game. This time, I put my soldier in a big tank and went zooming toward the enemy lines, knocking over little plastic trees and bushes in the process. When one of my husband’s soldiers suddenly sprang up from behind a rock, I blasted him with the tank’s gun and kept right on rolling.

My husband looked openly shocked that I’d actually managed to aim at something and hit it. With his mouth set in a straight line of determination, he sent in another soldier. I promptly flattened him with my tank.  

“Not bad,” my husband said, though he had a distinct “revenge is mine” look on his face. He then casually added, “By the way, there’s a big black spider crawling down the wall right behind your head.”

I laughed, not taking my eyes off the game. “Good try,” I said. “But you’re not going to make me lose with a lousy trick like that!”

Even though I didn’t break my concentration, my husband’s soldier managed to get his little green mitts on a bazooka and blow most of my soldier away. His tiny plastic feet were all that remained standing after my husband finally ran out of ammunition.

“What am I supposed to do now?” I asked. “How can I shoot anyone when I have nothing left but feet?”

“Your soldier has to find a first-aid kit,” my husband answered. “It will magically patch him up again. But I’ll tell you right now, my soldiers are carefully guarding it, and I’ve surrounded it with land mines!”

I was determined to find that darned first-aid kit, even though my soldier didn’t even have a head to search for it with. Just as my soldier’s feet moved around a pile of rocks, I happened to catch a glimpse of something running along the arm of the sofa – on which my arm was resting as I played. It was the aforementioned big black spider. I screamed and jumped to my feet, dropping the game control unit in the process. My husband immediately seized the opportunity to fling a grenade at my soldier’s feet and disintegrate them.

“Green Team Wins!” flashed across the TV screen.

I scowled at him. “That’s not fair! I had interference!”

He shrugged. “I warned you about that spider and you didn’t believe me. Besides that, all’s fair in love and war.”

I told him exactly what he could do with his dumb old game. Undaunted, he continued to play it alone, for hours on end. It finally got to the point where I honestly was on the verge of taking a sledgehammer to the thing, until my husband suddenly uttered the words I’d been longing to hear for at least two or three centuries: “I’m getting sick of this game.”

I watched in disbelief as he put the game back into its box and switched the TV to an actual network program. Everyone in the TV shows looked as if they had aged about 10 years, I hadn't seen them for so long.

Well, I could NOT believe what one of the first commercials was (and I swear this is the absolute truth!) a colorful advertisement for a brand NEW PlayStation Army Men game, promising to be much more exciting and challenging! My husband left skid marks as he rushed to the store to buy it.

Mysteriously, when he returned with his treasured purchase, his PlayStation didn’t work. No matter what he did, he couldn’t get the new game – or any other game – to play on it.

Gee, I can’t imagine what happened to it. 😉


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Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.








 



 


Monday, March 3, 2025

IS THIS PROOF I'M NOT HUMAN?

 

I know I have written about some pretty crazy things on here over the past 20-plus years, but I honestly think this one will rank right up there in the top five, perhaps even the top three.

It all started when I was toweling myself dry after my bath the other night, and happened to look at myself in the full-length mirror – something I usually avoid at all costs because at my age, I have to protect my heart from enduring any sudden shocks. But I’ve lost quite a bit of weight in the past few months and wanted to check what my body looked like.

I might mention here that my weight loss wasn’t intentional, it was circumstantial, due to a number of factors. Back in 2022, when I had Covid, I lost my sense of taste. It has returned only slightly, so just about everything I eat still tastes like wet cardboard. If I put a lot of salt on it, it helps a little – but only to the point where everything then tastes like salty wet cardboard. So a lot of times, I don’t even bother to eat.

Also, I have a lot of food allergies, so my two main protein sources have always been chicken and eggs…until recently. Thanks to the bird flu now, I need to strike oil on my property to continue to afford to buy the chicken and eggs. So I’ve cut back…way back.

As I stared at my body in the mirror, I saw what I’d anticipated I’d see – saggy skin that looked as if someone had let the air out of a balloon. That’s the trouble with losing weight when you’re old – the stretched-out skin stays stretched out and doesn’t snap back the way it once did…kind of like the waistband on a pair of 10-year-old underpants.

Anyway, something didn’t look right about my body, which was nothing new, but I could tell something looked weirder than usual. I couldn’t, however, figure out exactly what it was. After a few minutes of unspeakable torture caused by staring into the mirror, it finally dawned on me…

My belly button was gone!

I’m totally serious here, no joking. Where the perfectly round indentation with the tiny mole on it once adorned my torso, there was nothing but a vast wasteland of skin.  Panicking, I searched every nook and cranny, every wrinkle and fold.

Nothing. No indentation, no mole, nothing. My navel officially had disappeared.

Of course, I had to rush to Google it to find out if anyone else had suffered from a similar trauma, or if I should be contacting Guinness at that moment. I was relieved to see I wasn’t alone…there were other navel-losing sufferers who were as panicky as I was, asking what would cause it.

Unfortunately, there weren’t too many explanations. The first one was obvious – weight gain might cause the navel to be hidden beneath the fat and therefore go missing. Well, I hadn’t gained, I’d lost, so I ruled out that one. Then it said an umbilical hernia could cause the navel to retract. I felt my stomach for lumps or bumps. I felt nothing but flatness. And finally it said that rapid weight loss could cause the navel to shrink into oblivion, but it didn’t explain much about it.

At least none of the reasons sounded life-threatening, which was a relief. But still, losing my navel wasn’t something I could take lightly. After all, I’d had it since...well, before birth.

My friend Pauline made the mistake of calling me at that moment, and I immediately blurted out, “I lost my belly button! It’s gone!”

There was silence on her end. Then she asked me to repeat what I’d just said.

“I’m serious!” I cried. “My belly button is gone! There’s nothing but blank skin where it used to be!”

She burst out laughing. “You really need help, you know."

“Yes, I need help! Help finding my belly button!”

My late husband always used to shake his head and say to me, especially after I said or did something strange, “Sometimes I seriously believe you were beamed down here from another planet.”

Well, if he were here right now, I’m pretty sure he’d be saying this finally is all the proof he needs to verify his suspicions.

Alas, I keep checking my stomach to see if there is any sign of the lost navel making its return. There’s nothing yet. So I’ve been trying to convince myself I don’t really need it anyway. I mean, it’s not as if I’m planning to get a piercing there or I’m suddenly going to buy a bikini. And I really don’t miss having it as a collection site for the lint from my sweatshirt.

Therefore, no one ever will know I have no navel unless I mention it to them.

Speaking of which, in response to a question one of my friends asked me...no, I won't be hanging up "missing" posters around the neighborhood.


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Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.








 



Monday, February 24, 2025

RECALLING THAT UNFORGETTALBE ED SULLIVAN SHOW - 61 YEARS AGO

 


NOTE: I first posted this back in 2016, after I attended the concert of a Beatles tribute band called Studio Two, and decided to post it again this month to commemorate the Beatles' first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show back in early February of 1964...a mere 61 years ago!




The other night, a longtime dream of mine finally came true – I saw a Beatles concert.

They weren’t the real Beatles, of course, considering that two of them are no longer with us, but they, Studio Two, a Beatles-tribute band from New England, were the closest to the real thing I’ll ever see.  Their onstage look, mannerisms and sound were an amazing recreation of the original Beatles.

As I sat there, reliving the songs I still knew every lyric to, even after more than 50 years, my thoughts drifted back to February 9th of 1964 and the day that forever changed my life.

It was the day the Beatles first appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show.

I remember it as if it were yesterday.  All that week, I, along with my friends Sue and Dee, had been counting the minutes in anticipation of the big event.  Finally, after what seemed like 20 years, there they were - John, Paul, George and Ringo in crisp black and white on my family’s 21-inch TV screen.

Wide-eyed with anticipation as we waited for the Beatles to sing their first note, Sue, Dee and I collectively held our breaths.

“My goodness, they’re ugly!” my mother said, breaking the spell. “And their hair!  Don’t they have barbers in England?”

My father was too busy laughing at them to comment.

However, to us, three impressionable young teenagers, it was love at first sight. Their voices, which were difficult to hear above all of the screaming girls in the audience, sounded like the voices of angels to us, from their very first note.

“Paul is gorgeous!” Sue sighed, clasping her hands over her heart.

“Ringo is cuter!” Dee argued.

“You can have both of them!” I said. “I’ll take George!”  Actually, I was going to choose John until, “Sorry girls, he’s married,” flashed across the screen during his close-up.

“How on earth can you tell who’s cute who isn’t?” My father, who had momentarily caught his breath after laughing, asked. “You can’t even see their faces under all of that hair!  Ringo’s nose is the only thing that sticks out!”

The three of us turned to glare at him.

Just as we looked back at the television, the cameras were zooming in for such a close-up of Ringo, we actually could see his nose hairs. When he shook his head while drumming, causing his mop of hair to fly in all directions, Dee, overcome with way too much postpubescent emotion, let out such an ear-piercing scream, she nearly shattered the windows.

“God, I hope the neighbors don’t call the police because they think we’re murdering someone over here!” my father muttered. 

Beatlemania officially had arrived.

I spent the next two years hopelessly in love with George Harrison. The guys I’d previously had starry-eyed crushes on at school suddenly became invisible to me.  I mean, they had either short or greased-back hair, didn’t speak with British accents, and wore penny loafers instead of Beatle boots. They just weren’t “cool” any more.

Sue was as obsessed with Paul McCartney as I was with George. We didn’t doubt for a minute that fate would bring the four of us together someday, and when it did, Paul and George would fall madly in love with us at first glance and beg us to marry them. Yep, Sue and I had our futures all planned out.

We spent every penny of our babysitting money on Beatles records, posters, magazines and trading cards. Every inch of my bedroom wall that faced my bed was covered with posters of George. My favorite was a life-sized one of him standing with his arms folded and his eyes staring directly at me. I’d lie in bed and look up at his pictures while listening to my favorite Beatles record, “Do You Want to Know a Secret?” – one of the few on which he sang the lead. Then I would drift off to sleep and have romantic dreams about becoming Mrs. George Harrison.

When Sue and I learned that the Beatles were going to be in concert at the Boston Garden that September, we nearly needed CPR. Just the thought of the two men of our dreams being only about 50 miles away from us made us hyperventilate. But it might as well have been 5,000 miles, because we knew there was no way we’d ever be able to attend that concert.

However, one very lucky girl named Diane, who went to our high school, did go, and she instantly became a hero. First of all, she told us she had an excellent seat. Then she said she desperately wanted to get the Beatles’ attention, so she flung her camera at the stage…and Paul actually looked directly at her! Sure, her parents were upset she’d smashed a perfectly good camera, but as far as all of us were concerned, a camera was a small price to pay for actual eye-to-eye contact with one of the Beatles.

I hate to admit it, but the thought of Diane being within actual sight of the Beatles was too much for me to bear. I was so envious, it made my stomach hurt, and I couldn’t even concentrate on my schoolwork for the next few days. It’s a good thing Diane didn’t actually touch one of the Beatles, because I probably would have flunked out of school.

I also was envious of Sue, who made a lot more money babysitting than I did. She saved every penny until she was able to afford black leather slacks, matching Beatle boots and a leather Cockney cap.  She even surrendered her long hair to a Beatle-style cut. When she wore that outfit and faked a British accent, you’d swear she was the fifth Beatle.

I, on the other hand, managed to buy only a woolen Cockney cap (in a bright blue and green plaid), which I wore even in 90-degree heat.

As I sat at the concert the other night, I closed my eyes for a few minutes and pretended I was a teenager again and that the Studio Two band members actually were the Beatles.  And for a moment, I felt a strong urge to scream.

But at my age, I was afraid I might rupture something.


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Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.