Lately it seems as if every time I mention something that upsets me (examples: the electric company cut an entire row of my trees right down to the ground instead of only trimming the branches as they’d informed me they would; my neighbors’ dogs got loose and attacked me, causing some serious bruising; FedEx tossed a huge package into the woods on my property and I had to climb down into a water-filled gully to retrieve the soggy box), my friends usually respond with, “You should sue them!”
I’ve never sued anyone before, but I’ve been called into court as a witness on several occasions, and although the experiences were interesting, I wasn’t particularly fond of how the defendants’ lawyers always tried to make me (and any other witnesses) sound like someone who either was delusional, high, or a bigger liar than Pinocchio.
The last time I was a witness in a lawsuit was about 15 years ago in small-claims court. I had no clue what to expect because it had been ages since I’d set foot in a courtroom, but visions of TV judges like Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown kept popping into my head.
When I entered the courthouse, I had to pass through a metal detector, which I’d expected, but then the guard emptied the contents of my purse…which I hadn't expected. While he sorted through endless candy wrappers, wadded-up tissues, lint-covered lipsticks that had lost their caps, and photos so old, I was wearing a paisley mini-dress and platform shoes in them, I made a mental note to clean out my purse.
Later, as I sat in the courtroom and nervously awaited my turn on the witness stand, I soon discovered the most entertaining part of the whole experience...watching the cases ahead of mine.
One of them involved a landlord who took two of his tenants, a married couple, to court because they hadn't paid their rent in months. When the judge asked the couple why they hadn't, they said it was because their refrigerator was leaking and rotting the floor underneath. And even though they had asked the landlord several times to replace the refrigerator with a new one, he’d ignored them. So they, in turn, had decided to ignore paying their rent.
When the judge asked the landlord if he intended to replace the refrigerator, he said no, because he'd solved the leakage problem…by putting a bucket under it.
I couldn't help but wonder what kind of fridge was tall enough to fit a bucket underneath it…one of those old-fashioned iceboxes on legs? No wonder it was leaking. It probably had been delivered by a horse and wagon.
The judge then asked the landlord, "So you think it's perfectly normal to have a bucket underneath the refrigerator?"
The landlord shrugged. "It works."
The judge, looking annoyed, ordered the two parties to step out of the courtroom for a few minutes and try to calmly settle their differences by arriving at a compromise. He then told them to return later and inform him of what they had decided.
The sound of their raised voices coming from outside the courtroom door a short time later, however, gave me the feeling the only "new" thing the tenants were going to end up getting was a bigger bucket.
Then there was the case of the electrician who hadn't been paid by the contractor who hired him to do the rough-in electrical work on a house he was building.
The questioning went something like this:
Judge: Did you hire this man to do the electrical work on a house you were constructing?
Contractor: Well...not officially.
Judge: Did he do the work?
Contractor: Yes.
Judge: Did he complete the job?
Contractor: Yes.
Judge: Was his work satisfactory?
Contractor: Yes.
Judge: Are you going to pay him?
Contractor: No.
Judge: Why not?
Contractor: Because I didn't sign his contract, so I didn't have a binding agreement with him.
Judge: But you still allowed him to do all of the electrical work on the house?
Contractor: Yes.
Judge: (Holding up a piece of paper) Is this the contract?
Contractor: Yes.
Judge: (Studying the contract) And you didn't sign it?
Contractor: (Looking irritated and rolling his eyes) Do you SEE my signature anywhere on there?
The expression on the judge’s face all but guaranteed what the outcome was going to be…the contractor not only was ordered to pay the electrician, the judge also included the interest the money could have been earning in a high-yield CD…probably just to teach the contractor a lesson about eye-rolling in court.
Unfortunately, by the time I took the stand two hours later, the judge was in an even less pleasant mood, especially since I also was there in reference to a case concerning another shady contractor.
During the questioning, when I made the mistake of offering a comment to clarify something I’d previously stated, the judge snapped at me, "Ma'am, do NOT speak until you're spoken to!"
After that, I was afraid to open my mouth.
"You? Afraid to talk?" a friend of mine later said when I told her about my day in court. "I'd have paid to see that!"
And if that weren't bad enough, I was informed I might have to testify in yet another case concerning the same aforementioned contractor because the lawyer said that I, an elderly person, probably would be taken more seriously.
Luckily, I wasn’t contacted again.
So what do I think about my friends’ current advice to sue everyone who does me wrong?
Heck, if the lawyer and judge considered me to be elderly and too outspoken way back then, now they probably would think of me as just some senile old hag…someone who can’t see well enough to tell the difference between the neighbors’ dogs and a family of overfed raccoons. So why would I even attempt to sue anyone?
On the other hand, I do have the feeling I’m becoming one of those proverbial “grumpy old ladies,” in my old age…so you never know when or if I just might be tempted to reconsider.
Especially if I can meet Judge Judy.
Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.
