This year, my three favorite movie theaters went out of business. Two of them recently had renovated their interiors and added stadium seating and recliners that not only rocked, they also had headrests and footrests with cushioning so thick and comfortable, people were dozing off halfway through the movie.
And that's the reason why the sound systems in modern theaters are loud enough to shake the building. They have to drown out all of the snoring.
But even the fancy renovations weren't able to save those theaters. That's because those renovations were expensive, which meant the patrons had to pay for them. As a result, the price for a family to see a movie, especially if everyone wanted popcorn and a drink, ended up costing the equivalent of a new car.
The demise of these theaters, however, has been attributed to streaming. I'm not familiar with this modern miracle of technology because where I live, I can get better phone reception using two cans and a string than I can while using a phone. And every time it rains, I lose my Internet. But from what I've been told, streaming is something that allows people to watch first-run movies in their homes while wearing only their underwear.
Times sure have changed. Back when I was a kid, our parents could get rid of us for an entire Saturday afternoon for only 75 cents, just by dropping us off at any movie theater. This included two full-length movies, a newsreel, cartoon, previews of coming attractions, a box of popcorn and a giant candy bar or large box of candy. We were gone for about five hours, so to our parents, a movie theater was the equivalent of a cheap babysitter.
But there were discomforts to deal with.
For one thing, in those days the seats didn’t move, other than the bottom part that lifted up if you had to stand to allow someone to squeeze by. But most of the time we tried to avoid touching underneath any of the seats when lifting them because they usually had about 150 wads of old chewing gum stuck to them. The stickiness on the undersides of the seats, however, was tame in comparison to the gunky floors. More times than I could count, my sneakers stuck to the floor, to the point where I feared I would have to shout for help for someone to pry them free or I'd have to leave them behind and walk out barefooted.
Also, there was no stadium-type seating back then, so if someone with a big Charlie-Brown-sized head sat in front of you, you pretty much couldn’t see a thing. And my luck, it seemed as if no matter where I sat, even if there were plenty of empty seats all around me, someone who was 6’6” or had a beehive hairstyle inevitably would decide to sit directly in front of me.
The movies back then were on film reels run by projectors, and too often, especially during a critical part of a movie, the film would snap and break, causing the screen to go blank. Right before it did, the image on the screen would look like squares of film melting – so we pretty much knew what was coming. Then we’d have to sit and wait for the projectionist to repair the problem and get everything running again. Most of the time, the waiting involved being bombarded with candy and popcorn by the kids in the front row of the balcony who’d get bored and decide to play a game of “let’s see how many people’s heads below we can conk with Raisinets.”
Chocolate, I learned, actually makes a pretty decent hair-conditioner.
And then there were the ushers, who always were an unintentional source of entertainment. They wore uniforms, carried flashlights and made frequent checks on the audience to make certain no one was misbehaving. If you had your feet up on the seat in front of you, for example, the ushers would tell you to put them back on the floor.
I remember one time when an usher lectured me for being too loud when I laughed. That, of course, made me laugh even louder.
The balconies in movie theaters years ago often were more entertaining than the movies being shown…mainly because all of the movies in those days were G-rated. The back rows in the balconies, better known as the “make-out rows,” were unofficially reserved for lovers and usually were a lot steamier than what was being shown on the screen. It was a known fact that if you went on a movie date and the guy suggested you sit in the back section of the balcony, he had no intention whatsoever of watching the movie. The ushers were pretty diligent about separating the more passionate couples and ruining their fun by shining flashlights in their faces and snapping, “Break it up!”
But nowadays, I can't even remember the last time I saw an employee come in and check on the audience during a movie. Never mind my feet, I could drape my entire body over the seat in front of me and no one would care…except, that is, maybe the person who's sitting in that seat.
And I’m aware that food prices over the years have skyrocketed, so theaters no longer sell family-sized boxes of candy or large soft-drinks for only 15 cents. But I honestly can say I was shocked the last time I asked for a bottle of water and the the theater employee said, “That will be $5.”
I’d just purchased a 32-pack of Poland Spring bottled water on sale at the supermarket for only $3.98. That same 32-pack at the theater’s prices would have cost me about $160. So even if I had been so thirsty my tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth, I still would have refused to pay $5 for only one bottle. I told the employee (after he’d already entered the sale into the register) I’d changed my mind. The look on his face told me he was struggling to control the urge to open the bottle and dump the water on me.
Back when I was a kid, we could bring snacks from home to eat at the movies. Not any more. Try to carry a bag of chips into a theater and they treat you like someone who’s smuggling illegal drugs. I remember going to a movie theater in the Bedford Mall many years ago and there was a woman in front of me in line who was holding a paper bag along with her handbag.
“What’s in the bag?” an employee asked her.
“Oh, I just did a little shopping here in the mall before heading over here,” she said.
The employee didn’t look convinced. For one thing, mall stores weren't in the habit of using plain brown paper-bags. He continued to suspiciously stare at her.
“I’m going to have to ask you to show me what’s in the bag,” he finally said, sounding very much like a TV detective.
“No!” she said, clutching the bag to her chest.
The employee narrowed his eyes at her. “I see grease stains on the bottom of the bag. You’re trying to sneak food into the theater, aren’t you!”
You would think he’d just discovered she was holding a bag of poisonous snakes she intended to let loose in the theater.
He finally gave her the option to either hand over the bag and stay, or keep it and leave. Reluctantly, she allowed him to confiscate it. After he walked off with the bag, the woman turned around and muttered to me, “He’s probably going out back now to eat my popcorn! It's a lot better than that artificially buttered junk they sell here!”
Movies that would have been classified as X-rated back in the 1960s, now are rated only PG. In the last movie I saw, for example, one of the male stars, who portrayed a hot-tempered spy, used the “F” word about a dozen times in only one sentence, and it got only worse as the movie progressed. I began to suspect he was attempting to break a Guinness world record for the greatest number of F-bombs ever uttered in a single movie.
Nevertheless, I have to admit some things really have changed for the better about movie theaters over the years. I do prefer the comfortable seats, the extra legroom, the undisturbed view, the cup holders, and screens so big, you feel as if you’re actually a part of the movie instead of only a spectator.
The trouble is, now that all of the theaters in my area are out of business, it will cost me about $25 in gas just to drive to one. Add that to the price of a ticket and a snack, and I'm reduced to eating Ramen noodles for the next two weeks
Maybe it's time to dig out and dust off my old VCR.
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Sally Breslin is
an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for
newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several
novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction.
Contact her at: sillysally@att.net
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