Tuesday, April 16, 2024

I'M HOOKED ON WITTY MESSAGE T-SHIRTS



I recently was tempted to buy a T-shirt I saw in a catalog. It said on the front, "I Thought Getting Old Would Take Longer." I mean, it's a profound statement just about everyone in their "golden years" can relate to, right?

For some reason, I've always loved T-shirts with witty sayings on them, so I've amassed quite a collection over the years. When I first got married, I also wanted my husband to start his own collection, so we could become the couple whose shirts made people smile. But he never was very enthusiastic about the idea. For one thing, he always was shy, so I suppose drawing attention to himself by wearing humorous T-shirts wasn't exactly at the top of his priority list.

Still, every Christmas or birthday, I would buy him a T-shirt with a funny statement on it, hoping I could change his mind and entice him to wear one. 

And one time, I thought I'd finally hit the jackpot. His favorite expression (in an incredibly bored tone) whenever we went somewhere always was, "Are we having fun yet?" So I leapt at the opportunity to buy him a T-shirt with that saying on it, figuring he would love it. 

Let's just say moths ended up wearing it before he ever did.

But one day, to my utter shock, my husband (I still suspect solely out of revenge) actually bought a witty T-shirt for himself.

He'd just had his annual physical where the doctor had lectured him about the inches he'd gained around his waistline and told him to lose at least 15 pounds to keep his BMI down. So my husband, while still muttering about the doctor, happened to see a T-shirt that said, "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!" and bought it. And then he wore it...everywhere. He didn't care that the T-shirt actually had been designed for pregnant women to wear. He loved it. And so did most of the people who chuckled at him whenever we went anywhere.

I hated that shirt. But I wasn't about to tell him that...because then I'm pretty sure he'd have worn it even more often, just to spite me.

I learned the hard way, however, not all people get a kick out of funny T-shirts the way I do. I was in Market Basket one day and was wearing a T-shirt that said, “In Training to be Tall and Blonde,” on the front. A lot of people read it and smiled as they walked past me, and I felt happy they were enjoying it. But then, in the checkout line, the woman behind me kept giving me a look – the kind of look that someone who’d just sucked on a lemon might have – every time I turned around to remove the items from my cart.

Finally, she snapped at me, “Why on earth do you want to draw attention to your chest? Most women are offended when people stare at them there…unless they’re exhibitionists!”

To say I was stunned is an understatement. The woman made me want to immediately go buy a box of industrial-sized trash bags, cut a hole in one of them for my head and wear it over my body.

It took a long while after that before I wore a message T-shirt again. It was a Christmas gift from a friend and said, "Be careful or I'll put you in my next novel." I loved it. So I just had to wear it!

But I must confess, even at my ripe old age, I’m still tempted to splurge on a few of the new message shirts I recently saw in some online catalogs. So I guess that makes me an exhibitionist?

My current top contenders include:

“I go the extra mile…usually because I’m lost!”

“Why do I have to press ‘one’ for English when I'm just going to be transferred to someone I can’t understand anyway?”

“What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?”

“Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.”

“Whenever birds mess on my car, I sit out on my front porch and eat a plate of scrambled eggs…just to show them what I’m capable of.”

“I am cautiously pessimistic.”

“I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop ticking me off!”

“At my age, happy hour is any hour spent still above ground.”

“I’m not lazy. I just really enjoy doing nothing.”

“I took nude photos of myself with all of the lights off.  You’re welcome.”

“You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood by her hands. If they’re around your throat, she’s probably angry.”

“Am I getting old, or is the supermarket suddenly playing great music?”

“I am visualizing duct tape over your mouth.”


So far, I have resisted purchasing any new shirts, so I'm very proud of myself. 

But just this morning I saw a T-shirt online that made my resolve immediately weaken. I really, REALLY want it!  I have to have it!  I mean, it's kismet!

It's also on sale.

Lord, give me strength!



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Sally Breslin is a native New Englander and an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net


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