I hate to admit it, but I’m beginning to miss the hundreds of mail-order catalogs I always received every November, when companies were eager to entice me to start my Christmas shopping. I used to enjoy browsing through the stacks of them while relaxing with a cup of tea, and searching for unique gifts for my friends and relatives – things I never (and I DO mean never) would have thought of on my own if I hadn’t seen them in catalogs.
The
other night I was looking through my hall closet for something and found, in
the back corner, a stack of mail-order catalogs from 20 years ago (which tells
you how often I clean my closets). I looked through them and found myself
laughing at many of the products and wondering if people actually bought any of
them back then. I also wondered how many of the companies that sent those
catalogs are still in business.
Anyway, below are a few of the catalog items that made me chuckle, while others just had me scratching my head and thinking, “Huh?”
1. From Pacific Spirit : Chang Sheng soap - $23. The description reads:
“Chinese Dr. Ou has isolated a tiny unseen
mite called the demodex human parasite that lives in hair follicles of every
adult’s skin and if left untreated, can result in severe facial disfiguration. This soap is formulated to kill these
mites.”
A photo accompanying the ad shows a “before” photo of a man with a huge, bulbous red nose, and an “after” photo of him with a petite, turned-up nose. I guess anyone who might be contemplating getting plastic surgery could save a bundle of money on a nose job, thanks to Dr. Ou! (I wonder if that’s pronounced “Ow?”).
Now pardon me while I go scratch my hair follicles.
2. From the Healthy Living
catalog: Magnetic bra straps -
$4.99. The ad reads: “Take away shoulder pain! Put the power of magnets to work on shoulder
aches with two 400-gauss magnets.”
I must have a weird sense of humor because the first thing I pictured when I thought of a magnetic bra, was a woman leaning over her desk at work and ending with paper clips stuck all over her blouse (she also might be wise to avoid getting too close to refrigerator doors).
3. Also from Healthy Living: Bigger Bust vitamin pills - $19.99 for 60
tablets. The ad boasts: “Increase your
bust naturally! Before you resort to
painful, expensive surgery, let these tablets nourish your breasts and repair
damage brought on by aging and childbirth.”
The only thing I can’t figure out is how these pills are smart enough to know exactly which part of the body to nourish and increase. With my luck, they’d go straight to my butt.
4. And for the man of the family, from The Sportsman’s Guide:
Leaf Suit - $89.97. The description: “This suit is covered from head to toe with 3-dimensional leaves that look so real, they even flap in the breeze. The perfect camouflage for hunters! You’ll have to shoo away critters that come by to mark their territory!”
The man wearing this suit in the photo looks exactly like the monster from “The Swamp Thing.” I suppose it also might make a great gift for the Peeping Tom or escaped convict in the family.
5. From American Science and Surplus: Bag of Eyeballs - $5. Described as “A clear plastic bag filled with a dozen olive-size eyeballs in slimy pink goo. Roll the bag in your hands for the full effect. The best product since our Gurgling Guts!” (I don’t even want to THINK about what those are!).
6. Also from American Science and
Surplus (a company that obviously was trying to recycle excess hospital
supplies in the guise of unique gifts at the time): Gravy jar with screw cap - $2 for 6. “These hospital specimen containers can be used to hold many
things!” (hopefully no leftover samples
of what they originally were designed to hold).
Also, a pink “Tub for Toys” - $1. The ad reads: “This plastic hospital basin is perfect for holding small toys” (and the entire contents of an upset stomach).
7. From Taylor Gifts: Toilet Monster - $19.98. The catalog states: “Your guests will shriek
with glee when they lift the toilet lid and up pops a red demon with fangs in a toothy grin!”
Sounds like a great cure for irregularity (but I’d be really careful of those fangs).
8. From Funny Side Up: T-shirts with sayings (various prices). They
include:
“Sometimes I Open My Mouth and My Mother Comes Out.”
“Dear Lord, if You Can’t Make Me Skinny, Please Make My Friends
Fat.”
“Revenge is the Reason Why I Get up Every Day.”
“I Can Fix Anything.
Where’s the Duct Tape?”
“My Grandson is a Labrador Retriever.”
“I took Nude Photos of Myself With All of the Lights Off. You’re Welcome!”
9. And I’ve saved the best gift for last, for the man who REALLY loves his woman. From Victoria’s Secret: Bra and Panty Set - $15 million. The description: “This one-of-a-kind bra and bikini-panty set glitters with over 1,300 precious gemstones, including 300 carats of Thai rubies set among dazzling diamonds.”
The photo shows a pencil-thin model wearing a bra and panties that are completely covered with jewels. They don’t show the back of the panties, but I hope they’re not the thong style, or all of those jewels could get mighty painful.
Heck, I'd need them to add a few hundred extra carats of gemstones just to get those panties to fit around my hips. So my price probably would be somewhere around $20 million. And I'm not sure how I'd explain to my insurance agent that I need to take out a policy for my underwear.
Yep, like I said, I sure do miss getting all of those catalogs.
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Sally Breslin is an award-winning humor columnist and the author of “There’s a Tick in my Underwear!” “Heed the Predictor” and “The Common-Sense Approach to Dream Interpretation." Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.
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