I have a terrible habit that used to drive my late husband
crazy. Well, actually I have several habits that drove him crazy, but I’m
pretty sure this one ranked right up near the top of his list.
Since the day we were married, I subscribed to several daily newspapers, mainly
because I was the correspondent for my town’s weekly newspaper and I wanted to
make sure I didn’t miss any upcoming events, story ideas or news items I also
could cover.
Every morning after my husband left for work, I would relax with a cup of tea and read the papers. But as time passed and I began to work longer hours and go to bed later, I often skipped my morning tea and then had little or no time to read. I also got into the habit of picking up a few extra copies of the newspapers that printed my articles and columns so I could cut them out and keep them, but I never seemed to find the time to do that either.
So the papers began to pile up.
At first, I just ignored them, telling myself I would sit down some night,
pour myself a cup of tea (or five) and tackle a few weeks’ worth of papers in
one shot. But that never happened.
And the papers continued to pile up.
I hid them behind the sofa, in closets and under the beds. My husband never
suspected they were there (because he never looked in the closets, behind the
sofa or under the beds). But one day, I think he did begin to suspect that
something wasn’t quite right.
“Why didn’t you tell me that Loretta passed away?” he asked me. “I met John
today when I was picking up a coffee and I asked him how his wife was. He told
me she died three months ago! I was so embarrassed! You read the obituaries
every day, don’t you?”
“Um, yeah…but I guess I just forgot to mention Loretta,” I said.
“Well, I sure hope there’s no one else you forgot to tell me about. I wouldn’t
want to embarrass myself like that again.”
“No, I don’t think there’s anyone else,” I said, making a mental note to dig
out all of the newspapers and if nothing else, catch up on the obituaries.
But as usual, I didn’t. And the papers kept multiplying faster than a herd
of rabbits.
One week, however, I actually felt motivated enough to try to remedy the
situation. I was doing some massive housecleaning in preparation for my annual
Thanksgiving gathering, and realized that all of the places where I usually hid the
things I didn’t want my guests to see, already were occupied by stacks of
newspapers.
So I spent three days skimming through newspapers and then re-stacking them out in the shed (for future recycling) so I could
make room to conceal some stuff in the hiding places where the newspapers had been.
As I was looking through the papers, it really felt strange to read about events that already had happened. One article, for example, was headlined,
“Forecasters Now Predict Powerful Snowstorm Will Bypass NH.” Two days later, the
headline was, “NH Digs out From Under 18 Inches of Snow.”
The hardest part was seeing all of the “this week only” sales flyers, or grabbing
the scissors to cut out a product coupon, only to discover it had expired back
in the Stone Age.
Then came the day when I once again unintentionally gave my husband a clue about my
secret paper-hoarding habit.
“I really like these shoes,” he said as he was removing them to put on his slippers.
“They’re so comfortable, the best shoes I’ve ever had. I’d love to get another
pair, but they’re too darned expensive.”
“I just read in the paper that they’re on sale for 20 percent off at Sears,” I blurted out without thinking.
“Great!” he said. “When does the sale end?”
“Uh…last July.”
Two nights before Thanksgiving, I was so busy flipping through more stacks of
newspapers, I lost track of time. So I wasn’t even aware my husband had come
home early from work…until he walked in and caught me surrounded by my secret stash.
“Where did all of these papers come from?” he asked. “Are you sponsoring a paper
drive or something?”
My head popped up from behind a mountain of papers and I smiled sheepishly.
“No, I’m just catching up on my reading. I got a little behind.”
He picked up a paper from one of the piles and read the headline: “Polls
Predict Gore Will Beat Bush in 2000 Election.”
“Where have you been keeping all of these?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Oh, here and there. Didn’t you notice that the house was a lot
warmer last winter? Newspapers make great insulation!”
“They also make great kindling. If this place ever caught fire, people in
Vermont would be able to see the flames!”
So I promised him that from that day on, I would try to set aside some time every day to read my papers and clip my articles.
And I’m still trying.
But it’s much less of a struggle now because so many newspapers have either switched to digital versions or stopped publishing altogether, I haven’t added any new ones to the collection in a few years.
So at long last, the piles are beginning to dwindle...a little.
And if my calculations are accurate, I figure I'll finally be all caught up by the year 2040.
Sally Breslin is an award-winning syndicated humor columnist who has written regularly for newspapers and magazines all of her adult life. She is the author of several novels in a variety of genres, from humor and romance to science-fiction. Contact her at: sillysally@att.net.
