Sally Breslin: My Life: THE ELECTROLYSIS MACHINE WAS A REAL SHOCKER

You’d think that by now, I’d be old enough to realize that when I try to cut corners, I usually end up losing money. Such was the case with a catalog order I placed several months ago.

The item was a do-it-yourself electrolysis kit. When I first saw the ad for it, it sounded like a dream come true. This kit wasn’t like the others I had seen, where you had to kill only one hair at a time by jabbing the roots with an electric needle and then holding it there for hours before the hair finally surrendered and dropped dead.

No, this state-of-the-art kit had self-adhering pads that could kill hundreds of unwanted hairs all in one shot. And the ad really emphasized the word “kill.” Stubborn hair would be gone forever, it promised, gone to that giant hairball in the sky, never to return again.

Needless to say, I was excited. If there's one thing I've learned about growing older, it's that you begin to lose hair where you want to keep it, and start growing it where you don't want to see it - like your chin and upper lip. Could I, I wondered, really throw away my tweezers, my Nair, my wax strips and my razors? Could I really have forever-smooth skin and finally be rid of those stubborn black hairs on my chin - the ones that were the consistency of wire and defied all attempts to pluck with anything weaker than vise-grips?

There was only one way to find out. I wrote out a check for $102.99 and sent for the machine.

Unfortunately, the item was on back-order and took nearly a month to arrive. When it did, I immediately tore open the box and examined the contraption. It looked like a torture device.

Coming out of the little white plastic machine were three wires - one that snapped onto the self-adhering hair-removal pad, another that snapped onto the “ground” pad (the pad that prevents the user from getting an electrical jolt that makes all body hair that’s NOT under the pad stand up straight on end) and a third one, which connected to the conductor pad.

Eager to get started, I hooked up the pads, then slapped one onto my chin and the other two onto my arm. I cranked up the machine to “super kill.”.

“If you have any dental fillings, you might experience a slight metallic taste in your mouth during the treatment,” the instruction booklet stated.

Metallic was an understatement. A few seconds into the treatment, I felt as if I had a giant ball of aluminum foil in my mouth.

“And you might experience a slight tingling sensation,” the booklet also added.

“Slight tingling” turned out be the equivalent of being attacked by a swarm of killer bees. Still, I figured the torture would be short-lived and worth every minute of it if it saved me from ever having to shave or pluck again.

When I finished one section of my chin, I decided to move the pads to another area of my body. In my eagerness, I did something unthinkable. I yanked one of the wires too hard and tore the snap right out of the ground pad.

Panicking, I grabbed some duct tape and taped the snap back onto the pad. Then I tried it. I swear my eyes flashed “TILT” when I turned on the machine, the jolt was so shocking. Obviously the ground-pad no longer was grounding anything. Frustrated, I tossed everything back into the box. Leave it to me, I thought, silently cursing myself. In only 20 minutes, I had managed to destroy a $103 machine...and only about four hairs.

I desperately scanned the warranty information in the booklet and happened to notice an order blank for a set of replacement pads…for $36. Muttering under my breath, I ordered them. I figured I had no choice. I mean, I needed those darned pads or the machine would be useless. Still, I thought $36 was a pretty high price to pay for my carelessness.

A month passed, with no sign of the pads. I called the company in New York. The customer-service lady told me that my order was at the warehouse in California and would be shipped soon. Another month passed. Again, I was told the order was in California.

“How much longer will it take?” I protested. “I desperately need those pads! Do you want me to end up looking like a gorilla?"

“I’ll have someone call you about it tomorrow,” the woman answered mechanically, not sounding the least bit sympathetic.

Had I been holding my breath waiting for that call, I’d have been as blue as a Smurf. Once again, I called the company.

“We’re sorry,” the woman said. “The company recently has changed hands and we have no idea what happened to the California orders. No one is even answering the phones out there any more. I suggest you put a stop-payment on your check.”

“Are you trying to tell me I’m never going to get the pads?” I asked.

“It doesn’t look that way,” she said.

Am I upset that I wasted a total of $139 on a product I can never use?

Not at all.

Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to track down the former owner of the company, turn my electrolysis machine up to "super kill" and then duct-tape the non-grounded wires to his...

Never mind.

# # #